


The Princess' Guilt

by lexapride



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Healing, Multi, Post-Season/Series 02, Self-Harm, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-04-20 08:17:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 39,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4780304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexapride/pseuds/lexapride
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short story that shows the true meaning of "Bellarke" set after the 2nd season finale.</p><p>In the midst of running from what she's done, Clarke struggles to atone for her mistakes, for the deaths that she's caused, and instead finds herself falling deeper into depression. Can she find her way out of the darkness or will she need help from the only person who truly understands her . . . her rebel King?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Knocking On Heaven's Door

**Author's Note:**

> I discovered Wattpad first and began this piece there. But then I found Tumblr and AO3 and became obsessed with these obviously much better written fanfics than those I found of The 100 on Wattpad.
> 
> I know the beginning is a little rough, but I hope you like this. Please comment and critique because this is my first piece and I hope you like my version of a somewhat peaceful Season 3 of The 100.

**Bellamy**

 

I stand next to her just outside the gate, exhaustion and aching sore wounds and muscles weighing me down every second, but I can't help the feeling of pride as I take in the scene in front of us. Camp Jaha residents treat and feed the remaining 48 as well as the guard, family and friends reuniting as recognition is common on my people's faces.

"I think we deserve a drink." I tell the princess.

"Have one for me." An uneasy feeling begins to creep through my chest at her words.

"Hey, we'll get through this." I say determinedly, though as I nod my head, I'm not sure if I'm trying to convince her or myself as well.

"I'm not going in." She says in a defeated tone and the unease blossoms into panic. My mind races as to what can convince her otherwise and I remember the words she once spoke to me.

"Clarke, if you need forgiveness," I start, turning to make eye contact with her. "Then I'll give it to you. Alright? You're forgiven." Her tearful eyes that reveal her guilt, turn from mine back to the Camp and I can see her wavering.

This beautiful, strong, courageous girl, who I'd written off on Day One as an annoying stuck up know-it-all princess, was now the only person who truly understood me and the decisions I'd made and the reasoning behind them all. She was my partner, my equal, my friend, and now she wanted to leave.

I understood that in my absence, and even before I'd left to spy, that she was being burdened with choices no one should have to make, and she'd purposefully shouldered them herself, making sure I wasn't even given the option to lessen that load. That burden was only just now starting to sink in. I could see it in the lost look in her eyes and this time I wanted her to see that I could help. That I _would_ help.

But after just a moment she steels herself and I realize I'm going to lose her. "Please come inside." I practically beg her, my voice trembling from my desperation. After days of separation and only using a radio for communication, I couldn't bear the thought of not having her with me. She was my co-leader, always challenging me, thinking logically and always calculatingly when I wanted to act rashly. We worried about our people _together_ , always looking out for them.

She takes a breath. "Take care of them for me." She requests and my eyes widen.

"Clarke-"

"No, seeing their faces every day, is just gonna remind me of what I did to get them there." She explains but I shake my head vehemently.

"What _we_ did . . . you don't have to do this alone." I tell her solemnly, wishing she would realize that I can help her carry the weight of her misery and remorse. But she takes a shaky breath and takes one more look at the Camp before turning back to me.

"I bear it, so they don't have to." Clarke says, a tear finally escaping down her cheek and with it, my hopes of her standing by my side to help rebuild, come crumbling down.

"Where are you gonna go?" I ask, hoping she'll have some sort of plan like she always does that will eventually bring her back to where she belongs.

"I don't know." She answers honestly. She takes a step forward, embracing me and I feel a tingle of electricity as she kisses me on the cheek, her lips soft and supple. My arms automatically come up around her and I try to savor this lasting moment with her before she turns her mouth to my ear and breathes four final words.

"May we meet again." Her voice cracks and with it so does my heart knowing she's not just leaving her mom or the remaining 48 . . . but me as well and I can't help it as my own eyes start to water. Clarke steps back and I catch her gaze and in it I can see just how much she is struggling against her grief and guilt at the wake of death from the war. It makes me realize she's more than just strong and brave. She's . . . Clarke.

She starts to walk away and I stare at my feet for a moment before tempting a glance back. Her retreating figure is only a few yards away and I have to fight every instinct in my body that is screaming to run after her and refuse to let her leave. I turn back to the Camp and take a deep breath as a single drop spills down my face.

"May we meet again." I breathe to myself, praying that it will come true.


	2. Her Penance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's first step in acknowledging her actions and trying to atone for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I know this is a little rough but I hope you guys like it. Please comment and critique.

**Clarke**

 

It's been four days since I left Camp Jaha. Four days since I left my mom, my friends . . . since I left Bellamy. Four days I've been alone, with only my guilt and remorse to keep me company. I managed to hunt and eat and build a fire to stop myself from freezing at night . . . but I stopped trying to sleep after day two. My dreams were haunted by the ones who'd fallen by my hand.

I'd made it to the Dropship easily my first day, but I couldn't bring myself to go inside the crumbling gate walls. Instead, I made camp beside the small gravesite we'd created for our dead friends. I placed fresh flowers over Charlotte's and Wells' graves and visited each one of the others, often imagining their faces peering out from the forest behind me, always watching.

On Day Five, I finally got up the courage to walk inside the walls of our camp, our home we'd created. Trees and plants were scorched, the ground was blackened and ash was scattered from where the guard of the Ark had come and gone. The skeletons though - they were the worst. They laid there from neglect and I knew instantly what I had to do. I walked into the empty Dropship, my feet echoing on the metal floor and found the makeshift shovel Wells had created our first day here. I walked back out and went to the collapsing wall where our gravesite laid on the other side and began digging.

It took me three days but since I wasn't sleeping and I barely ate, I managed to finish burying what was left of the three hundred Grounders I'd burned.

As I'd dug each hole, they appeared before me, watching. I'd never been introduced to the whole tribe, or each individually, but the brief time when Finn and I'd been captured and on the bridge, before it'd blown, I'd seen enough of them. I saw the young ones, with their long hair tied back into braids and plaits. I saw the older ones with the of-age and warrior tattoos. I saw the animal skins sewn together over their bodies and proud expressions of having killed what they now wore. I saw them all standing by the hole I dug for them. I never once made eye contact, knowing if I did, it would just make them real, and for the time being I couldn't think about their ghosts, haunting me. I could only keep digging.

When I actually put my bare hands to their skeletons, their ghosts - from the corner of my eye - briefly lit on fire and it took everything in me not to react, not to jump back from the searing heat I could feel in my hands when I actually touched their bodies.

The first time it happened, I didn't react. I just picked up the skeleton, not even flinching at the soreness in my arms and legs and back from digging, and carried it over to the first hole, gently laying it in. Once the bones were no longer touching my hands, I felt the cool air wash over my fingers and I looked back at the other skeletons I had to bury. I wasn't sure if I had imagined the burning sensation when I'd touched them or not, so I walked over to the nearest one and lifted a single finger, just barely grazing the bone, but when I did, I felt like a real fire was burning the bone, flames reaching up off of the skeleton onto my bare flesh and I could actually smell my skin burning. Just like when I stepped out of the Dropship after burning them alive and smelled the air. But I ignored it and went back to the task at hand, dragging the Grounders over to their graves and slowly filling them back up, saying a brief prayer each time I finished a new burial.

It took me hours into the night to fill the holes back up but as soon as I did their flaming ghosts slowly extinguished until I no longer saw their spirits monitoring my actions. That morning as I stared into the fire I slowly put my hands out, wondering if it would feel the same as when I'd touched the Grounders. It did.

I could feel my skin burning, I could smell the charred flesh but I didn't pull away for about ten seconds until my mind finally connected the heat with the stinging sensations in my fingers. I stared, relishing in the fact that after pushing away every piece of uncertainty, doubt and emotion to focus only on my people in the mountain, I'd become numb and just now, for the first time in too long, I'd actually felt something. Pain.

It took me a moment or two before I finally began to move. I ignored the tender itchy tingling feeling in my hands and walked into the forest, leaving my things for a moment before I found what I was looking for. With my sensitive hands stinging from every twitch of a finger, I picked up the large rock and carried it back to the Grounders. I set it on the edge of the gravesite, digging with my smarting fingers for a bit before it settled into the disturbed dirt and then packed the dirt back around the large rock. Then I retrieved my knife from my belt and began to carve into the rock:

_Warriors of the Earth_

_Defended their Land Here_

_Always Remember their_

_Strength and Bravery_

I stood back to look at my handiwork and sighed before looking around at the bare graves. After five minutes of walking, I found the field of flowers in a rainbow of colors I'd discovered during one of my first days since landing. I picked them by the clumps and brought them back, planting them in the earth on each warrior's grave as well as the graves of my people.

When I was finished, I gathered my things as well as extra supplies I'd gathered from the Dropship - including Wells' shovel - carrying them over my shoulder or around my waist and kicked dirt over my small fire. Then I began walking again.

Without others to slow me down like it had our first walk through the forest and actually knowing where I was going this time, it only took me about four hours before I finally reached the river. I made my way down there before I knelt down and sank my hands into the water. The coolness, soothed the searing burn I'd become accustomed too. I let my hands soak for about five minutes, ignoring the ache in my back and in my knees. When I finally pulled away, I found some leafy bushes and tore some fronds away, wrapping my hands in them. I didn't bother trying to find the yellow plant I knew I could make a paste to treat my hands. They would heal on their own.

No, I wanted to keep feeling, keep the pain alive, because that would keep me alive. I collected some of the river water into my bottle before I started walking again. This time without even purposefully heading there, I knew my feet would take me to the mountain.


	3. Her Hauntings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old friend confronts her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and critique!

**Clarke**

 

I kept a slow pace, not really thinking about my destination but it only took me five hours before I got there. I didn't go inside though. I camped my first night there in the shadow of the mountain, shivering not from the cold but from the lingering aura of death I could feel.

I made a small fire and stared into the bright blaze, wondering when I would break down and let the ghosts of the ones I'd killed consume me. I knew they were there, just out of sight, waiting for sleep to overcome me so they could invade my dreams and better yet, my nightmares.

It'd been eight days and I'd barely eaten, barely slept. I just couldn't.

I'd caught myself dozing on and off my first few days at the Dropship but each time I closed my eyes there, I could only see Anya baring her teeth threateningly at me before she smiled thinly and turned to walk away. Then a shot would ring out, killing her. Or it would be her Second, the young Tris choking on blood even as she reached out for me, her eyes pleading for me to help her. Another night it was bloody Gustus still tied to that pole who'd stared at me accusingly chanting murderer under his breath before it rose in volume and Tristan had joined him thrusting his sword into the air so that his people gathered around him, chanting with them. The short break I'd taken in between burying the Grounders at the Dropship on Day 6 had consisted of me nodding off for only a few minutes, but it was enough for Finn to appear shaking me with his impression.

"I told you we needed peace with the Grounders, but you didn't listen. Instead, you go and trust Bellamy over me! I loved you, Clarke! I was in love with you and I thought you loved me, but obviously you didn't. Instead you kill me when I try to go looking for you! You let all those people in TonDC get blown up! You killed all the mountain men! You're a murderer, just like me!" He uncrossed his arms and I saw the bloodstain on his shirt, dripping red and Raven's knife still sticking out of his abdomen.

I snapped my head up from where I'd been dozing and gone back to burying those I'd killed. Those I'd murdered.

I looked up at the dark mountain imagining the bodies that were in there. The infants and children, the innocent civilians who'd not had anything to do with war or violence before, their skin now bloated, blistered, and burned. I could see the President clearly in my mind, standing there defiantly as I held my gun to his chest and his son's voice coming over the radio. I remember pulling the trigger, feeling the backlash from the gun in my hand and the surprise that came over his face as blood poured from his chest and he collapsed, dead. I saw Jasper clinging to Maya's body, weeping over the one person he'd grown to love here on Earth and his dark angry eyes condemning me and Monty.

I closed my eyes as I saw Raven strapped down on that table, the mechanical sound of the drill, creating a hole in her skin, deepening til it dug into the bone as she screamed in pain. My mother's body thrashed violently on the table too, as she was strapped down and she couldn't help her own cries escape when they started drilling into her leg as well. I shook my head before the image turned to when I'd first discovered the Grounders locked up behind the hospital, two of them hanging from their feet, IVs hooked up to them, draining of them of their blood.

For the first time since I was ten, I jumped to my feet, sprinting behind a tree and emptied the contents of my stomach, heaving until there was nothing left. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, appalled at the display of weakness as I walked around the tree, grabbing the shovel I'd brought with me from the Dropship and walked back over. I rammed the sharp metal edge into the hard dirt ground, pushing it until it loosened and then raising it up and dropping it to the side, then I quickly scooped up my vomit and dropped it into the hole, burying it and patting the dirt with the shovel.

I headed back to my fire, not feeling anything but the emptiness of my stomach and emptiness in my heart. I set the shovel down and stared at the fire, forcing all images of the dead from my mind.

I don't know how long I stayed there but I remember cuddling up to my fire as night came quickly and the soft sounds of the forest quieted. I saw something move from the corner of my eye and turned my head towards it, frowning as I didn't see anything. I turned back to the hot flames and immediately saw a flash of color from the same place where I'd seen something move. I spun, eyeing the bushes that lined the forest and the tree I swore I'd seen a figure standing by. I stood up and walked forward slowly with my gun in one hand and my knife in the other.

That's when she showed herself to me.

"Fox? I thought you were dead!" Having not spoken in nine days my voice was low and hoarse as I took in her clean clothes, the soft pants that were rolled up on one side, showing the hole they had drilled into her thigh, thick blood dripping from it slowly. She was already so skinny but more so and pale now, her hair hanging raggedly around her face.

"I _am_ dead Clarke, you _killed_ me. You killed _all_ of us." She spoke softly but every word was punctured with an accusing tone.

"Fox, I'm so sorry." I whispered to her and I couldn't help the tears from filling my eyes.

"That's not good enough, Clarke." She said still speaking softly but she stepped closer her dead eyes boring into mine. "So many people have died by your hands. They want retribution Clarke, they want you to feel the pain you caused them." I closed my eyes tightly, listening as her words echoed my own thoughts.

"I know." I sighed and glanced up at her but she was gone. I stood there staring at the spot she'd been standing and turned back to my fire. As I stared into the hot sparkling flames I could see the images of the dead from TonDC staring back out at me the ruins of the city just behind them. I groaned softly, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand and then slowly lowered it staring at knife it held.


	4. Release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke uses her blood to pay for all that she spilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a little extreme, but my mind is a dark dark place and I couldn't help put this in there a little to help with her healing process.

**Clarke**

 

I stared at the knife in my hand, thinking hard about Fox's words. She was right, the dead deserved their vengeance. I had caused so much pain. So many laid lifeless because of me.

All because I'd refused to be weak.

_Love is weakness_ , she'd told me - and I'd listened. I'd turned away from every feeble emotion, every uncertain thought, all the sentimental memories that would deter my focus from my people and pushed them behind the walls I'd built up too long ago. And it'd worked. Refusing to be weak in the face of our enemies, our allies, and even my own friends and family had saved our people.

When I'd turned on my heel and left Bellamy standing there at the gates of Camp Jaha, I'd tucked away yet another heavy guilt-ridden stinging emotion that I didn't want to face, didn't want to acknowledge because I knew if I did, it would only add to the guilt I already harbored from the deaths I'd induced. The guilt that I'd pushed behind those walls. Those walls that now held a tsunami of emotions and memories and thoughts I couldn't deal with.

And now in the absence of it all I'd become numb.

Numb enough that, until I'd put my hands in the fire at the Dropship the morning before, I'd forgotten what pain felt like.

I didn't want to be numb anymore. I wanted to relish in the immense weight of my guilt pressing down on my chest, on my heart. I wanted to feel the pain I had caused. I wanted to feel something.

So I tucked my gun into my holster at my belt, slowly walking back over to my fire and sat down. My thoughts wandered back to what I'd done after I buried that first body at the Dropship. How I'd stared at my hands, wondering if I'd really felt the bones scorching my skin. They didn't look burned but I wanted to actually feel what the Grounders had felt while running away from the Dropship. I'd pictured the warriors seeing the Dropship actually turning on, the hum of the machine growing louder until the burst of heat and flames swallowed them up. Others further away, running in terror but not being able to escape the flames as their flesh seared and their blood boiled.

The memory of the pain caused me to raise my hand and push up my sleeve, and carefully put my knife to my wrist. I paused for only a minute glancing up and I saw them. Fox stood on the other side of the fire watching me. She didn't have a look of approval on her face but I could swear I saw sympathy in her eyes. She didn't say anything, only nodded her head at me. Her eyes darkened across the fire and I watched as more ghosts of the fallen stepped out from the forest.

I saw the swollen, scalded Mountain Men and their families. I saw Maya and a man who looked to be her father. I saw Wallace. I saw the sniper I'd killed. I saw the broken and gore-wrought Grounders of TonDC. I saw Gustus and Finn. I saw Anya. I saw her Second, Tris. I saw Gard, whose throat I'd slit. I saw all of the three hundred Grounders I'd burned alive. I saw Wells and Charlotte, Atom, Pascal and Trina, Roma, Diggs, Dax, Derek, Connor, and all the others of the 100 I couldn't save, bloody and broken.

They all walked out of the forest til they stood behind Fox just staring at me. They didn't say anything, not even making any gestures of encouragement but waited patiently for me. I knew what they wanted from me. What was it the Grounders lived by? Blood must have blood.

I took a breath and then pressed down on my dirty skin, drawing my knife across. I gasped as I felt the fresh sting of the open wound and the thick red liquid begin to pour down my wrist onto the ground. I stared in wonder at my wrist as the small but deep cut throbbed in sharp lances of pain and I could practically feel my emotions draining away with the blood pooling on the ground. I couldn't help myself as I brought the knife back up and made a second parallel cut. I closed my eyes as I let out a shaky breath savoring the growing pain that was releasing everything. My pain, my emotions, everything.

I continued my punishment, focusing on instead of the blood but my audience, and with each cut they shimmered - almost like a mirage - before nodding their heads at me and walking back into the forest. By the time I'd reached number five, all the Grounders I'd set on fire, along with those from TonDC had retreated to their dark places in the trees. Anya was the only Grounder left and the Mountain Men and my own people stood with her.

She stepped up next to Fox watching me intently as I began to carve number six. This time the Mountain Men walked around my fire and my ritual, returning to their home in the mountain. My own people turned, walking towards the river back towards the Dropship. I reached number nine and only Maya, Anya, Fox, Finn, Wells, and Charlotte remained. I started shivering with number ten, knowing my body was finally shutting down from the pain and the blood loss, but I finished it, watching as Charlotte and the boys vanished.

I was shaking badly, freezing as my body began to go into shock from the blood loss and the cold temperature of the early morning. But the one thing that kept me awake and standing was the delicious pain coursing through my arms, releasing the last remnants of my heavy guilt.

Three were left standing in front of me. One person from the mountain, one person from the ground and one person from the sky. All girls. I wondered if that was supposed to mean something but I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Tend to your wounds, Clarke of the Sky People. You still have to finish your job." Anya said in a strong commanding voice.

"Job?" I croaked at her and that's when I felt myself begin to fade. I keeled over, crawling a few feet to reach my pack of supplies I'd brought from the Dropship. I quickly wrapped my arms in dried red seaweed tightly.

"Go finish what you came here to do, Clarke." Maya said smiling at me and I stared up at the three girls.

"And then go back to our people." Fox said sternly and I noticed the compassion in her eyes. I sighed, dropping my gaze to my arms. The flow of blood had lessened and slowed but it was still coming through the red seaweed. I wrapped another layer of red seaweed around my arms tightly and then pulled down my sleeves, covering my display of guilt and shame. I opened my mouth to ask the three girls a question, but when I glanced up they were gone.

The early morning light was coming through the trees and I stood up quickly, kicking dirt on my fire as I turned towards the mountain. Pain radiated through my arms, my muscles aching from my walk the day before and the digging I'd put myself through previously. But I straightened my back and took a deep breath, pushing and prodding the pain to the corner of my mind.

Then I began to move forward. Picking up the shovel, I walked forward til I stood in the shadow of the mountain and I began to dig.


	5. Her Absence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy has been working ever since Clarke left. He's trying to keep his mind busy as he focuses on everyone else but himself. 
> 
> It's not working.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally get to see Bellamy's POV and what's been happening at Camp Jaha.

**Bellamy**

 

_I tried to keep my breaths steady as I sprinted back for the camp. I couldn't shake the Grounders on my tail no matter how many times I switched directions. I couldn't keep this up forever. But then a miracle happened._

_A figure jumped from the trees in front of me and lifted a bow and arrow, letting it fly. My heart stopped for a second before I realized that the arrow had been aimed behind me and before I could even begin that line of thinking, three more arrows were in the air and I heard the responding grunts of pain and thuds behind me._

_I slowed down, turning to find the four Grounders who had been chasing me, all lying scattered on the forest floor. I spun back around to thank my savior but my mouth snapped closed when I saw the hood hiding their face. I was only granted a moment to take in their small stature and filthy, baggy mix of clothing representing that of a Grounder and an Ark person before I noticed movement in the corner of my eyes on either side of us._

_"Idiot!" I heard the soft insult come from the hood in front of me and I frowned in confusion at the familiar voice._ _"They were leading you into a trap." The whisperer grabbed my arm and tugged me along at a run as more Grounders began to appear on either side of us. We wove around the maze of trees and any Grounder that got close to us was brought down with either a bullet from my handgun or a slice of the sword that my savior carried._

_We were almost there. We ran across the small clearing before the gates to Camp Jaha but an arrow buried itself in the hooded figure's side causing them to stumble over themselves. I stopped, turning to support them but froze at the mess of blonde hair revealed from the fallen hood._

_"Clarke!" I cried in relief as my eyes met her sad blue ones and reached down to help her but she shook her head at me._

_"Bellamy, run!" Her voice was soft and insistent as more arrows fell around us. I heard the gates opening and a few people calling my name behind me but I shook my head at her focusing on the beautiful desperate gaze in front of me._

_"No chance in hell! Now come on!" I grabbed her arm but she twisted out of my grip and faced me._

_"I'm not letting you die Bellamy, now go!" She shoved me away, but before I could reassure her, I felt hands grab me, pulling me back._

_"No, no! Clarke!" I shouted struggling against the hands that pulled me to safety. "No! Clarke! NO!" I cried as Grounders finally reached her and pulled her upright._

_She lifted her chin defiantly and called back at me, "_ _Take care of them for me!" My blood ran cold at the familiarity as the gates closed around us, but I managed to break free of Miller's and his father's hands._

_"Open the gates! Now!" I shouted at the guards but they did nothing as a crowd formed around him watching as Lexa approached the Grounders holding Clarke captive in their arms._

_"NO!" I screamed as Lexa, in all her warpaint and glory, thrust her sword into Clarke's abdomen, just as she'd done to Gustus, and drew it out slowly. Clarke's head lolled forward and my heart stopped as she crumpled to the ground. "CLARKE!"_

I sat upright, panting as my heart raced from my nightmare. I reached for my waterskin next to me, opening the topper and draining the last of the water, trying to wet my dry throat and my chapped lips. As my breathing returned to normal, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and reached for a shirt, pulling it over my head and trying - as usual - to push all panicked remnants of the nightmare to the back of my mind.

In my head I calculated that I'd only gotten a few hours of sleep that morning, having spent most of the night worrying over new injuries of Jeremy and Miller after they'd come back from a hunting party the day before.

I was exhausted being in charge. Making sure that the 47 - it wouldn't be 48 until she came back - and their families had room on the fallen Ark and shelter as well as enough supplies and food to go around. Trying to convince Abby and Kane to allow them to expand the Camp grounds so they can build actual cabins for everyone. Speaking with Wick about Raven's recovery and a new brace built - under her direction - and Sinclair about the use of electricity to extend to cabins - if they are ever assembled. Organizing Harper and a few of the 47 to search for more herbs they can recognize that she used for more medicine for Abby as well as food to forage. Reasoning with the Guard as well as some of the men around the Camp to build an actual wall to reinforce their fence and gate.

But I did it. I was keeping my promise.

But her absence had an affect on us all. The remaining 47 had looked for Clarke that first night, looking to make amends and for comfort and even just support for their injuries, but once I spoke with Monty and Harper and Miller, they let the rest know. The following days were spent with instinctive glances for the mother figure of the group and sad expressions as realization set in as well as a vexing attitude towards her mother. Abby had developed a bit of a disdainful approach ordering everyone around once she and her assistant Jackson attended to the others' injuries, after I'd told her about Clarke. Even when the story of Finn's disappearance had been told, the remaining 100 had been quiet, muttering disbelieving remarks but once Raven and Octavia had confirmed the story their sullen remarks became soft in their awe at her bravery and sacrifice. A few of the 47 were still a little morose at her leaving them for a second time, but I knew deep down they all missed her . . . I missed her.

Octavia had been evasive when I spoke with her about Clarke, but once I'd told her what had happened in the control room and after a little encouragement from Lincoln, she told me what happened to TonDC and while I'd been shocked at the decisions made, after the first week O had eventually admitted that she might have been too harsh on the older girl.

"I still hate what happened at TonDC, but Lincoln told me Clarke had known that I would be safe when the bomb dropped. And what you guys did to the Mountain Men and everything she went through with Finn . . . I understand that she did what she had to do to get our people out safely." Octavia said as she ate on the eighth day after our return.

"Wait, what? She knew you'd be safe?" I asked confused.

"The Seconds of the Commander's warriors were supposed to be on a scouting mission and spend the night out there. Lincoln said that he'd been with the guards when Clarke had suggested to Lexa to use us to get recon on the Mountain's surroundings, specifically the tunnels."

"I still can't believe Lexa betrayed us like that. Betrayed Clarke." I muttered to her and my sister's face hardened at the mention of the Commander's double cross.

"Clarke is not innocent in all of this, but Lexa has been manipulating her from Day One and I'll never forgive her for abandoning us and you in the Mountain." Octavia said fiercely and I couldn't help but smile at her as I poked at my food. "Eat." She commanded me and I nibbled at some berries.

Jasper was barely speaking to anyone. Monty had been there with us when Clarke and I had pulled the lever, hell, he'd been the one to make it happen, so every time either me or Monty even went near him, he gave us enraged glares. Monty had tried for a week straight, to talk to him, walk with him, even work with him, but the glares turned into a cold shoulder and then to indifference, which hurt Monty more than he admitted. It wasn't until two days ago that Monroe had come up to me with a request from Jasper - or more like a demand.

To return to Mount Weather.


	6. She Was Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang is headed back to the mountain for "closure" and Jasper finally voices his feelings towards Bellamy, Clarke and Monty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feelings and emotions take time to heal but not everything is resolved so we'll get to have Jasper and Bellamy talk to each other about that but it won't be completely settled.

**Bellamy**

 

After two weeks, the remaining 47 were still trying to settle into Camp Jaha, but it was difficult. Our first night at the Camp, we had celebrated and people had toasted my name along with Octavia's and Monty's and even her's - but every day since, tension began to build back up between the returning 47 and the Camp residents.

The resentment from having family floated, being locked up on the Ark, shuffled into a metal deathtrap, shot off to a radiation-soaked planet, and left to survive on their own, had returned in full as the Guard and the Camp Jaha residents attempted to reintegrate them into their society. Those who had reunited with their parents were, of course, more than happy to have people who loved them around as support during their recovery period. But the bond we'd made in our short time down here, having fought and survived together ran just as deep, so while small fights sometimes broke out during the day, they helped defend each other against the Camp residents, the Guard, and even their own parents.

Though I desperately wanted to retreat back to our original home at the Dropship and try a hand at rebuilding, I knew that she would return here first . . . and our best chance at surviving winter was working together with the Camp.

I'd already confronted Kane and Abby about their plan for the coming season. Although they seemed to respect me, their superior attitude had come back in full, grating me the wrong way as they spew ridiculous ideas. I tried not to scoff at their naive notions to lock themselves up in the Ark and ration what limited blankets and supplies they had, but I could not help my temper peek through my calm voice as I told them off.

Kane had been grudging but accepted my plan and had started sending out hunting parties at least once or twice daily to stock up on food and gather supplies from multiple hidden bunkers Jaha had identified before he'd abandoned his own Camp. The hunting and supply teams made sure to keep towards the vicinity east of Mount Weather, trying to avoid the Grounders we already knew were territorial of their area southwest of the mountain. Abby had been quiet since I'd told her Clarke had taken off, but after our meeting she also seemed to come around to my authority willingly if still a bit indignant towards my decision not to send search parties after her.

Though it wasn't official, the rest of the Camp followed the 47's example of respect towards me, if not my leadership. The Guard on the other hand, although they weren't disrespectful outright, whenever I joined them hunting or on supply runs towards a new bunker, their comments were quietly bitter and resentful. I tried not to order them around directly, instead using suggestions. It finally took one of the Guard deliberately disobeying my advice and injuring himself while we were hunting, for them to finally, albeit halfheartedly, begin to take me more seriously.

So when I went to speak with Kane and Abby about Jasper's demand, they immediately rejected the idea. Having prepared for that, I proposed Lincoln's idea - I'd strategized approaching Abby and Kane with him - about taking enough people to collect supplies from the mountain as well.

It took a whole day and a half to convince the two Camp leaders that our people needed closure from the torture and images that lingered in their nightmares so they could bury the innocent ones who had aided them as well as collect what supplies and tools we could carry. Kane said he wasn't going to order a few of the Guard to come with us, instead I'd have to talk to them myself and persuade a few to join our overnight party. Miller's father had helped me with that.

But it was happening. Sixteen days since our victory and we were returning to the mountain today.

When I found Jasper at the fire pit an hour after waking up, his eyes met mine shooting daggers at me. "We're going back to Mount Weather," I said quickly as he stood up and began to walk away, but he froze at my words, slowly turning back around. "It's going to be an overnight trip. We're going to bury those we want and collect supplies before heading back the next morning. Pack what you need and meet us at the gate in half an hour." I told him quickly and left without waiting to see his reaction.

We all met at the gate. Harper, Monty, Jasper, Miller, Monroe, Derek were of the 47, Octavia and Lincoln, as well as Denby, Graco and David Miller of the Guard made up our party. Sinclair ran up just as we were leaving, mumbling about the mountain's technology.

We tried to make brief stops but the Guard that came with us, hadn't trekked the eight-hour hike before and Sinclair was constantly out of breath. I tried not to think about what was awaiting us there but it must've been all over my face because Octavia approached me as we started walking again after our fifth break in the four hours we'd been walking.

"Hey, you okay?" She asked nonchalantly and I nodded my head at her.

"I'm fine." She glanced at me sideways and I could feel Lincoln's eyes on me as well from her other side. "Really."

"Are you sure, because after what you've told me what they did to you in there-"

"I'm fine, O." I said a little more sharply than I'd meant to and she sighed. "Why don't you check on Jasper?" I asked her and she patted my shoulder reassuringly before clasping her and Lincoln's hands together and walking faster towards Jasper in the lead.

I couldn't help it as my thoughts wandered to the mountain. After the days I'd spent in there awake, with barely any food or water, constantly on the alert, the bath of flames once I'd blown up the containment for the acid fog. The relief I'd felt when I'd opened the doors in the tunnels to find the two most important people in my life. It still all felt a bit surreal at time, but my nightmares reassured me every morning just how real it all was. How real _she_ was.

After hearing what she'd done to TonDC and knowing what she'd had to do to Dante and Finn, I completely understood the guilt she felt for all those deaths and Lexa's backstabbing actions. But she wasn't the only one who felt guilty, and this time she wasn't here to lift the blame from my shoulders. The tightness that clenched at my heart reminded me daily of the resentment I felt at her leaving. I know she needs to recover emotionally, but it doesn't mean I didn't either. I still see Maya's red blistering face in my dreams, and her father's voice accusing me in the darkness of murdering them, the innocent women and children. The guard I'd shot, his son turns to me in my nightmares and screams at me for killing his father in cold blood.

I shook my head to rid it of the thoughts but the guilt and shame stayed as a heavy weight in my heart and on my shoulders.

It took us long enough, but we reached the mountain about three hours after having taken a break to eat lunch. What we found took our breath away.

The clearing in front of the doors of Mount Weather was covered in newly planted yellow and blue flowers arranged in small pretty circular patterns. Below the beautiful sight were clear signs of the buried. Harper was the one who found the first stone marker.

In the left corner of the cemetery a large clean stone had been planted there with words carved into it:

_The People of_ _Mount Weather_

_Battled for their Freedom Here_

_Always Remember_ _Their Immense Will_

"Who on earth would have done this for the bastards that held us captive and drilled into us for our bone marrow?" Monroe muttered, but we all heard her. I could only think of one person and as I turned to Monty, I noticed Jasper off by himself about ten yards away. I walked past the others and stood next to him staring down at the other markers that were planted there with a multitude of purple and pink and yellow and blue flowers sitting atop two more plots.

_True Friend And Soul_

_Died Fighting For Her Love_

_And What She Believed In_

_~~~~~~~_

_Noble And Devoted Father_

_Sacrificed Himself_

_For His Family_

_And The Outside World_

Jasper knelt at her grave, tears falling down his face freely as Monty and Harper stood on either side of him, looking sadly at the graves of Maya and her father, Vincent. Miller's own father, David came to stand and look at the graves. He turned to me with a questioning look and I nodded my head slowly.

"I can't believe she did this!" Jasper sobbed and Harper knelt down next to him, grasping his shoulders and rubbing them comfortingly. The adults wandered away to let Jasper grieve while we stayed with him. It took a while, but Jasper's sobs quieted until his shoulders weren't heaving anymore, instead his tear-stained face showing the conflicting emotions of anguish and gratitude on his face.

"Clarke killed her and then she goes around and does this." Jasper says quietly. "Why?"

"Because Jasper, as much as you want us to be, me and Clarke and Monty are not the bad guys, here." I reply just as quietly.

"But you're not the good guys either." Jasper says miserably and I can't help but sigh at that.

"No, we're not. We killed hundreds of innocent people, Jasper, including Maya and her father. But, we saved you and the rest of our people. I know that you're in pain, and I am sorry. I'm sorry that you lost someone you loved, Jasper. But you and I both know that Maya would want you to stop drowning your suffering in Monty's moonshine and for you to live your life. That's why she died, so that you could _live_. So stop trying to punish the people who are still here for you, who love you and let us help." I try to reason gently with Jasper and he looks up at me with tears still in his eyes.

"It just hurts so much." Jasper whispers.

"I know, Jasper, I know. But that's why we're here. We're your friends and we support you no matter what." I gently tug Monty over and he pulls Jasper up into a hug. They stand there for a long moment while Harper, Miller, Derek and Monroe watch on sadly. Octavia and Lincoln stand a few feet away watching with sympathetic smiles on their faces.

"I wish _she_ was here." Jasper says when he pulls back a minute later.

"Me too." Monty breathes.

"Yeah, I miss her." Monroe whispers.

"So do I." Derek admits.

It takes me a minute to realize who they're actually talking about and I can't help the smile that crosses my face.


	7. Her Imprint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even gone, Clarke continues to provide for her people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've finally gotten into my groove (yes I said groove :P ) and think this chapter is awesome. I promise that the reunion will happen soon and be very angsty.

**Bellamy**

 

Bedding, blankets, pillows, multitudes of seasonal wear, stacked cans and boxes of food, water canteens, pots, pans, plates and silverware, technology and tools that had Sinclair swooning, crates of doctoral instruments with medicine and drugs, including a whole armory of weapons and ammo.

When we pulled open the massive door to the mountain, that had been the first thing we saw. Practically everything we could even think of needing had been piled neatly along the hallway leading to the rest of the mountain. There were so many supplies that even after a trip to collect more people, it took us days to gather all that was in the hallway and bring it back to our Camp. Once that had been finished a further search of the mountain revealed that it had truly been stripped of all necessary supplies until only the furniture was left and even some of those pieces had been deemed worthy to be brought to the Camp and used. After five days, any remnants of the people who had once lived there, were completely gone.

It had been tough on the 47 though. There were reminders of the Mountain Men everywhere in the Camp now and though they were strong and brave, they were still healing.

Everyone tried to avoid the medbay, not wanting to see Abby or her needles. I found myself having to hunt for more fur and animal skins that the others could wear and use as blankets instead of the ones that came from the mountain. Though Jasper and Monty finally seemed to be coming back to a semblance of their friendship, each had their own share of nightmares that didn't seem to be going away any time soon. I'd had to wake up Monty more than once from what he described as "their dead eyes" and Jasper woke panting, still reaching for Maya. Though it didn't offend Raven or Wick, Harper and Willow avoided their engineering lab, hating the sound of mechanical tools turned on with what electricity they were allowed to use.

Octavia seemed to be the only stable constant for the 47. Every day she would get up with Lincoln and then wander through the camp, checking on the others, offering to get things they needed, fetching Lincoln when someone had injuries, and even taking over their jobs when their still recovering bodies exhausted themselves. Even around my responsibilities, every time I looked up and found her with Lincoln lecturing the Guard or training some of the 47 in Grounder combat fighting or anything that helped my people, I felt a surge of pride in the mature young warrior woman she was proving to be.

Despite it all, I made sure not to focus on myself. Every night those dreams came and in some form or other, it was either one of the 47 screaming out for help, the people I'd killed hunting me down, or my worst fear . . . _her_ dying.

The first time someone suggested visiting our own fallen at the Dropship was about a week after settling all the supplies into the Camp - Day Twenty-Eight without _her_ (yes, I kept count of the days since she'd left). It was Sterling, who'd been involved in a small skirmish with one of the younger Guards earlier that morning over their food rations. It was ridiculous and such a small argument that he'd gotten worked up over that I'd grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him towards the electric fence of the Camp, telling him to take a long walk. Not even five minutes later he'd returned, his hands in his pockets and eyes on the ground, as he asked to go see James, his friend who'd died in the final battle against the Grounder army outside the Dropship. They'd hung out a lot on the Ark and became best friends on the ground and . . . he missed him, a lot. Of course, when he put it like that, I couldn't say no.

I sent him to collect any others who wanted to come with and then went to Kane and Abby, myself and told them about our day trip. They'd been reluctant at first but eventually gave into the idea. An hour later, ten of us left the Camp to head back to our first home on Earth.

It'd taken us only a few hours to get there but our journey had been interesting to say the least.

Raven hadn't been fully recovered but wasn't dissuaded from making the hike on her newly braced leg and we made frequent stops. It was she who'd found a battered electrical wire dangling from a low hanging tree branch. Wick - who had come with her of course - had been alerted and looked around the tree. By that time, we'd all gathered around and when he came back a few minutes later, he held out what he'd found behind a bush a few feet away from the tree. It looked to be some sort of fist-sized technology, but it had been utterly destroyed. We didn't know what to make of it until we'd found three more, crumpled on the ground, completely busted, in the span of an hour. It was Monty who finally made the connection.

"In the control room at Mount Weather, I remember seeing they had round, smaller cameras hooked up inside the mountain watching everyone. But they had more that were outside as well, in the trees." His voice trailed off as we all took in the meaning of his words. While I knew the others were thinking that the Mountain Men been watching us since we landed, my thoughts went back to the days we were carrying all those supplies out of the mountain.

I'd had suspicions of what Kane would order the Guard to do and had snuck off with Jasper and Monty to the control room that first day. But we'd gotten there to find practically every piece of equipment that could be dangerous destroyed. All that was left were radios and coms units and random pieces.

I had Monty and Jasper collect all of it and just as we were finishing up, Denby and Sinclair arrived. They took one look at the deconstructed room and went nuts, shouting and cursing at us for about twenty minutes before I threatened them bodily harm to shut them up. I ranted as well, explaining that I refused to allow the adults to get their hands on the controls to the missiles and remnants of the acid fog within the mountain so they could start more wars, effectively taking the blame for the scrapped equipment. Later, though, I heard Monty bragging to the other 47 what she'd done and my shouting match with the adults.

By the time we reached the Dropship we'd found five more destroyed cameras. I couldn't help a small smile to creep onto my face at the thought that, even apart, we were still in sync, our thoughts too much alike. When we got there though, the sight in front of us took our breath away.

The crumbling walls we'd built with our own hands had been taken down and the scattered ash that once painted the ground had been cleared away. The burnt trees had been knocked down and rolled over to form a basic perimeter around the Dropship. Their branches, I'm guessing, had been used to build a small fence that separated a small field of flowers. We recognized one side that housed the graves of our fallen with yellow, pink, and blue flowers while on the other side was a larger grave site for the Grounders that had died here, marked with red flowers.

Zoe found their grave marker and read it aloud to all of us. Wick found a second one lying beside the tree that marked our people:

_To Those_ _Who Fell From The Sky_

_And Fought To Survive_

_For The Chance_

_To Live In True Freedom_

No one spoke for the rest of the day as we milled about our vacant first home. As I suspected, there weren't any spare supplies lying around, but before we left that night, I found something _she_ had left.

A folded piece of paper stuck out of a tile of Dropship floor and when I went to tug it away, the tile moved.

I had to call Sterling to come and help me. Together, with the others filing back in to see the commotion, we heaved the tile up and away, revealing a hole in the hull of the Dropship. The others crowded around the hole staring in. Instead, I turned the piece of paper over in my hands, unfolding it.

**I know you and I know them.**

**Eventually you'll get sick of each other, and until then, you can store what you found in the mountain here.**

**When the time comes, rebuild our home.** **May we meet again,**

**CG**

I recognized the hole for what it had been during our final battle here. The one Raven had made so she could tell Clarke and Jasper how to wire the inferno that drowned an army of Grounders. The others were amazed at the amount of space in the bottom of the Dropship she had cleared out for them and apparently among all the wiring and pipes, she had managed to build shelves for what supplies we could store down there. There were even stairs.

"Even apart, you two are so in sync." Raven spoke after reading the note over my shoulder. "Do you think she's watching us? Maybe that's why she made this space, so that we could move our stash of supplies here, instead of moving it around the Camp so the Guard don't get suspicious." I smiled internally at her voicing my earlier thoughts.

"No, she just . . . knows me too well." I said simply, but Raven eyed me knowingly as if she could hear the underlying tone of sadness in my voice.


	8. The Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reunion scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We get to see a bit behind Bellamy's feelings at seeing Clarke again but also he gets to see just how broken she was.

**Bellamy**

 

The following few weeks consisted of more visits to the Dropship, but often spread out every few days, allowing the 47 to sneakily move supplies that we'd set aside at Camp for our own insurance.

The Ark social system had been fractured and from what Wick had told me, broken down completely once Diana Sydney tried to throw a coup before everyone could come down on the Exodus ship. Slowly but surely though, even if unknowingly, the Camp was resuming that social hierarchy and the 47 hated that their opinions were being disregarded among the adults and the Guard. Once again, they were being treated like the delinquents they'd come down as. No one was respecting their experience or expertise on the Camp jobs and even the surrounding forest when hunting and supply parties did go out, and the Guard still considered them with suspicion when they left to visit the Dropship.

Even though I still had pull with Kane and Abby, it was becoming clear within the month and a half that we'd been staying with them, that sooner or later a larger conflict would arise before winter could even settle in.

The only thing that kept me sane was hunting. When I did finish whatever responsibilities I had each day, I always headed out with a few of the 47 and went hunting or searching for more bunkers. The forest became my sanctuary. The quiet during a hunt allowed me to remove myself from my thoughts and just act instead on instinct.

It was an early morning on Day 47 that found me, Miller, Jasper, Carter, Octavia, Monroe, and Harper searching for fruits, berries and plants that could be used as medicine about three hours west of the Camp. Harper, the boys and I each carried our guns and rifles just in case we did happen upon an animal.

Just like that huge wild boar and it's baby forty yards out.

I whistled quietly to the others and they all fell silent as I made a few hand motions, gesturing for them to circle around the two.

However, we didn't get far when Carter stepped on some dried leaves, the crackling underfoot sounding like a thousand branches snapping. Both boars grunted and snorted loudly before taking off at a surprising pace. I sprinted after them, weaving around trees as I grew closer but suddenly they both jerked off to the left and I stumbled over a root as I tried to follow.

I paused for only a moment to catch my breath before I was off again, trying to catch up to the two prime prospects for dinner that night. I could hear them far up ahead . . . but I could still _hear_ them.

I don't know how long I ran but they kept ahead of me for about ten more minutes before I heard them squeal loudly and long. I stopped in my tracks, listening hard and glancing back, to motion the others to step quietly, but found myself alone. I cursed softly under my breath as I realized I must've lost them along the way, but instead of heading back to them, curiosity got the better of me. I crept up into the clearing where I'd heard the boars last.

I frowned down in confusion. There was nothing there. No squealing, grunting animals. Just silence.

That's when I saw it.

A hooded figure emerged from some bushes far off to the right, staggering forward and I realized they were dragging something behind them. My mouth dropped open in surprise at the arrow-filled massive boar and baby I'd been chasing, both tied up and being hauled along by a figure with animal fur covering it's head and back.

I stood up straight, making my way into the clearing and stood in the middle, waiting for the figure to notice me. As I did I noticed just how small the figure really was. They were about half a foot shorter than me and walked with a slight limp, favoring the left leg. They were very thin, their clothes hanging off of their ragged form with a bow, quiver of arrows and a small pack hanging from their shoulders. I stood there studying the figure when suddenly, they looked up and gasped in surprise. My eyes narrowed trying to see under the dark hood and then I froze as my eyes met shocked glassy blue ones. But before I could confirm my suspicions, she bolted. I stood there for a moment staring at the dead animals she'd left behind before finally coming to my senses and dashing after her.

I found her, eyes closed, face scrunched up as if in pain, her small figure leaning back against a tree, shaking her head, the hood falling off with every move, revealing her jaggedly cut wavy blonde hair, and pale face with a new long scar across her temple, murmuring to herself. If I wasn't still in shock, I'd think she was the most beautiful thing I'd seen.

"No, no, no, no! He's not real. He's back at Camp, safe and sound. He's not here - he can't be here." Her soft voice cracking on the last three words. I approached her cautiously as if I was approaching a wild animal.

"Clarke?" She stilled, but didn't open her eyes. "Can you open your eyes?"

"No." Came her soft answer.

I considered her thoughtfully. "You think you're hallucinating." It wasn't a question but she nodded her head anyway. "You're not, Clarke."

"Yes, I am." She said defiantly and I almost chuckled at her determined attitude.

"Alright, let's say you are hallucinating. What do I normally do?" She opened her eyes and my breath hitched as her haunted gaze found mine.

"Nothing." I almost didn't hear the word. I waited patiently for her to expand and it didn't take long. "You're just there, following me, watching me . . . judging me." Her face betrays the raw emotion in her eyes and she drops her gaze. "But I thought - you, my hallucinations," she sighs before continuing. "They stopped weeks ago. And now you're here . . ."

I inch closer, trying not to scare her. "Clarke." Her head shoots up and she seems to realize how close we are and she tries to move away but instead stumbles over her own feet. My arms shoot out and catch her, drawing her into my grasp, before she can fall over and her hands come up instinctively to my shoulders. Her eyes dart up to mine in shock at the touch and I can see that she's finally come back to reality.

"Oh my God." Her voice breaks and I can see the tears in her eyes. "You are real." She breathes and her hands trail over me as if confirming the fact and I stay perfectly still.

"Yeah." I say softly. I'm trying to let her have this. Reassurance that she's finally not alone and I fight to control the swirl of emotions that have been building as soon as I saw her eyes.

"I don't - I don't know what to say." Clarke says quietly and I take a deep breath to get the next few words out.

"Say you'll come back to Camp." Clarke stares up at me in surprise as if those are the last words she expected to hear out of my mouth. I press my lips together thinly in an attempt to smile at her but she seems to understand my own turbulence of conflicting feelings because she steps out of my arms and stares up at me.

"Bellamy, I just-"

"Clarke, as much as I hate to take you away from your healing or whatever it is you're trying to do," I can't help the sharp edge that my tone takes on, "but the others, they're your people too and even though they won't admit it - they need you." I can't read the expression on her face.

We're both silent for a long time before finally she turns away from me. I sigh in defeat but instead of walking away, she leans down and picks up her fallen pack and bow and quiver of arrows and turns back to me. She takes a deep breath and glances up meeting my eyes.

"Lead the way." We both spin back towards our dinner for tonight and that's when we see them.

I'd forgotten all about the others, but they must've followed my trail when I went after the fat creatures and found me here . . . with Clarke.

Harper comes out from behind a tree a few yards away. Octavia has her sword out in defense but is staring openly at us in surprise. Miller and Carter both have their rifles pointed at the ground and are glancing between the two of us in earnest, while Jasper looks like he's debating with himself whether to be happy or angry - something I can completely relate to. Monroe is the only one who doesn't have a slew of emotions written all over her face. Her bag is over her shoulder, looking not quite content with the picture but not mad either.

I move forward instinctively and the others' attention shifts to me. "Clarke's coming back." I say in my best authoritative tone and they nod to me and each other with small smiles on their faces, probably nervous that if they say or do anything differently she'll change her mind. "Carter, Miller, Jasper why don't you guys grab those boars back there and we can carry them to Camp. Monroe did you get everything you needed?" She inclines her head to me and I give her a short nod back. "Good, Octavia, Harper why don't you guys go scout ahead, make sure we don't have any surprises on the way back." The two both bow their heads to me and with a quick glance at Clarke, go off to obey my orders. Harper scurries up into the trees and we can distinctly see her shadow darting across branches while Octavia slinks away into the bushes.

I turn to Clarke who's face is expressionless and sigh. "Let's go home."


	9. Her Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's reactions is surprising to Clarke as she reflects on providing for her people while she was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it was time to get back to Clarke's POV and trying to recount where Clarke went and how she provided for the 47 was good.

**Clarke**

 

Stiff hugs, pursed lips turned up, and few words are what I was greeted with when I returned with the others back to Camp Jaha. It was more than what I expected, to be honest. I'd thought there would be more anger, more harsh words, more hostility towards me. But instead, the 47 treated me with wary smiles and strained pauses in conversations while the Camp residents gave me thanks for the supplies from the mountain - although the guards and Sinclair were curt in their welcome of me. So after my entrance, when my mother pulled me into a tight hug after walking out of surgery and whispered in my ear how much she missed me, I patted her back awkwardly and asked if she could put me to work. She looked surprised but didn't question me, instead looking me over, fret and worry obvious on her face at my thin form, and ushering me off to the cooks to get some food in me first.

I wasn't hungry so I set out for where the 47's tents were and found them clustered away from the rest of the Camp. I didn't bother asking where Bellamy's tent was. Instead I found a spot close to the fence a bit away from the others but still in the general area of the 47 and set up my own tent. When I was finished, I put out the bedroll I'd created from animal furs and laid down, running my fingers over the scars on my arms remembering the pain and the graves I'd dug.

I'd been lucky to finish burying all the mountain men within three and a half days so that gave me enough time to go through the mountain, trying not to drown in the memories and images still in my brain as I stripped the entire bunker for supplies. I collected them in those bins from the tunnels and, going back and forth, placed them all neatly in the hallway. It took me two days to finish that task without sleep and nibbling only on some nuts I'd found in the kitchens. I knew that after two weeks, someone from Camp Jaha would have enough sense to raid the mountain for supplies in preparing for winter and I had no doubt that it would be Bellamy who suggested it. So I stacked everything up and then headed to the control room to do what I did best.

Destroy.

Every piece of equipment connected to the video monitors, I ripped and tore until my fingernails were bloody and my still healing burned skin was peeled back by the wiring. The controls I recognized that Raven had once explained to me about the acid fog, I found tools and demolished them. It took me a bit longer, but I read through the manuals and finally found the controls to the missiles that were hidden away somewhere in the mountain and dismantled those too, making sure that the pieces could never be put back together. Everything else was communication equipment, coms units. I left those for the Camp, along with the random tech that I knew Sinclair and his mechanic and engineer proteges would love to fiddle with.

Once I was finished, I remember pilfering from the supplies in the hallway, grabbing some extra hardware tools and then walking away from the mountain.

When I stopped that night, I realized I was already halfway back to the Dropship. I remember setting up my fire and then impaling a stick on a piece of squirrel I'd caught earlier and chewing on it. My thoughts kept returning to _him_. And the rest of _our people_. Now that I'd come to terms with the lives I'd taken, I couldn't stop the overwhelming guilt I felt at leaving him, leaving them.

Bellamy hadn't told me what had happened in the mountain, but I already knew the horrors he'd been subjected to. The boiling showers that Anya had described to me, the neck collars and chains, being strung up by your feet and the drugs sedating your reflexes and consciousness, the blood being drained from you. I didn't even need to sleep to have nightmares about me being helpless to stop them from torturing him.

And then those images would show poor Fox at the bottom of that cart in the tunnel, of Harper and Willow and even Olivia flinching away from the mechanical sounds coming from Raven and Wick's lab, of Jasper and his hate toward Monty and Bellamy, of Monty's nightmares of our victims blaming him, of Lincoln's knowing look when he'd found me and . . . _Her_ \- after the missile hit TonDC, of Octavia's accusing eyes as she yelled murderer at me.

And yet despite knowing they hated me for leaving them to their suffering, I couldn't help the affection I had for them, for still caring about them, for wanting them to be able to have a real home.

I'd taken tools from the mountain with me for a reason and when I reached the Dropship the next day - after scouring the forest for those surveillance cameras I knew were in the trees and beating them to a pulp with a fallen branch - my eyes drifted back over the graves of my fallen. I dropped everything and went back out to that field of flowers, I took time and precious care of picking and planting more and more over my people. And I found another rock, carving the words that came naturally to me.

When I was done, I used an axe I'd brought with me to cut away at what was left of the wall that defined our First Camp. It took me two days to clear away the defective barrier and sweep away the ash that still littered our camp. And I cut down more trees with a Mount Weather axe - one that reminded me too much of Bellamy in those early days - and use what little strength I still had to roll them over til they formed a distinct divider between the forest and the Dropship. I even cut off the branches of those trees and built a small partition separating the flowers so one side housed the Grounders who died and the other side my people.

On my third and last day, I walked into the Dropship, finding the hole Raven had directed me and Jasper through, the last time we'd all been here together. I used what resources I had and built stairs down into the hole and then slowly but surely, organizing the wiring, carefully braiding and maneuvering it all. I built shelves until there was plenty of space to store weeks, maybe months of supplies the 47 could hide in here, building it up until they could splinter off from Camp Jaha completely. To be totally independent from them . . . free like they'd always wanted to be.

But they wouldn't ever truly be.

The thought made my blood run cold at the thought of the Grounders tribes, of their armies and their _commander_. Lexa. Just thinking her name made me want to curl my fingers into a fist and strike her, over and over and over again.

I left a note for _him_ , hoping it would be a small token towards his forgiveness and then left on the fourth day.

"Clarke?" I recognize her voice instantly and can't help the brief skip my heart makes from the guilt that suddenly rises. I stand up from my bedroll of animal furs and walk out of my tent coming face to face with Raven.

She's hobbling on her new brace that is attached to her left leg over her trousers and has a dirty shirt that's been cut off just below her elbows and her beautiful dark brown hair is actually down. She stares at me, the dark depressions under her eyes prominent as she studies me, just as I do the same to her and I realize just how skinny she's become in the month and a half I've been gone, her clothes hanging off of her slight frame. But her bones don't stick out as much as mine do. Our eyes meet and only for a brief moment do her dark eyes seem to peel back the layers I've built up again before she gives me a small nod.

"Welcome back." She says drily and turns away.


	10. Hovering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke sees how the others s-mother her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke letting the rest of the 47 take care of her while still actually taking care of them without their knowing.

**Clarke**

 

It takes a while for things to fall into a routine, but they do. Every day I wake up, one of the 47 is waiting for me outside when I come out and they escort me to breakfast. I poke and prod at my food, but whoever is with me doesn't leave unless what's in front of me ends up in my mouth. With a few curt words, I can usually get away with five bites minimum, but I still eat. By the time we leave, they take me with them to whatever job they've been assigned and I work with them all day.

When I'm with anyone who hunts like Sterling or Carter, I still use the guns provided to us when we pass through the gate. But I also show them how to make bows and arrows and quivers. Though Lincoln only gave me a brief nod in greeting when I walked through the gates, he welcomed my assistance in teaching the others about Grounder weapons, how to make them, and essentially use them. Though I'd gotten a few queries as to how I knew this information, I remained tight-lipped, never more than short "I learned"s or "I just do"s.

When I'm with anyone of the foraging parties like Monroe and Harper, I make sure that they look out for poisonous berries and plants that when in contact with, give you nasty rashes, or others that when crushed into a paste and plastered on your chest help your lungs expand and breathe better. Some mutated fruits give you stomach aches and others are delicious nutrients for your bones and flexibility. Strange fronds near creeks are excellent bandages, if and when we do run out. Pines can actually be gathered to soften your bedding. Certain purple flower petals can be eaten to ease headaches and their pollen can be mixed into your drinks to ease aches and muscles. Luminescent moss closer to water sources can be used like sticky bandages on wounds and to stop bleeding. The foraging parties eat up my quiet advice and small lectures on how the biology of certain mutated plants can be good or bad. And then I pass on the same "I learned"s or "I just do"s when they ask me the same questions as the hunting parties do.

When I work with Arianna in the medbay, she's good enough to switch shifts with me when I have to work with Abby, but the few times I encounter my mother she leaves me to my tasks, seeming to understand the space I need. I do everything from stocking our supplies to scrubbing down the whole room to only stitching up those who need them when they come in. The first two days I worked there with my mother, I found that most of the Camp residents request Abby or Jackson or even me to look at them while trying to avoid Arianna and even little Delaney - a cute and traumatized fourteen year old girl of the 47 who was trying to learn from my mother and Jackson. I had to get used to that quickly, but I couldn't stop the anger that bubbled up in the back of my mind. When I did treat people, I made sure that I asked Arianna and Delaney for help, guiding them through sutures and gently cleaning shallow cuts and showing them brief procedures for more extensive wounds and injuries.

When I'm with Jasper and the building crew, I make sure they don't know who drew up the new plans for the dining hall, extended medbay, dorms, and cabins. Although, that was even harder to bring up to Abby and Kane. I keep my long sleeves on even when the others strip to bare chests and tank tops as we cut down trees from the forest and haul them inside the Camp, loading them into a pile before stripping them of the branches, using spare pieces of metal to sand and smooth the bark down so it doesn't splinter. More often than not, though, whenever someone injures them self - normally one of the 47 - they come to me and I collect what I need quietly from Arianna in the medbay and treat them myself. I work quietly with them, never giving an opinion or pitching in when the complaining starts, only sweating and panting hard to avoid speaking with the others about my time in the forest. I don't care about the rumors spreading or the gossip the main Camp Jaha residents seem so concerned about. I only do my part and more as much as I can, often skipping lunch and pretending that I'm assigned with someone from the second building crew that's scheduled after lunch.

When I'm with Monty and the farming team, it's simple, easy, and quiet. No one gossips about me there, only asking brief questions about different seeds they've found or sprigs of fruit trees or vines they hope to plant and produce food. They don't question me there or have opinions about me, only quiet respect and a few awed stares by some of the civilians. Monty and Emily are the only ones who really seem to speak with me, holding conversations sometimes with me, or about me in general or about the others in front of me. I try hard to school my face into a blank, uncaring expression, but they talk anyways: Monty mentions his nightmares to me or Emily subtly hints the fact that none of the 47 wear or sleep in any sort of cloth that came from the mountain. Somehow, in the back of my mind, that doesn't surprise me. Especially the fact that Bellamy has been bringing in animal after animal, skinning them himself and then sewing the hides and fur together into the material needed for the rest of the 47. I force myself not to even flinch when he is mentioned, but somehow Monty's eyes see through it all.

When I'm with Raven and Wick, they usually bicker about the mechanics of electricity and plumbing. They take breaks often and one of them will always stay with me while the other fetches us lunch. They know I like to keep to myself, so they usually give me some sort of engineering problem or mechanical equipment to puzzle over for hours on end until some of their vocabulary finally starts to stick in my brain and I piece things together. Neither of them pressure me to speak about my time away but they each tell me how everyone else is doing, even though I already know.

I know that Miller has gone back to his original silence those first few weeks on the ground seeming to only take comfort in Monty's constant company when he's not with me. I know that Greg has developed a nervous habit of picking at his nails until they're bloody stubs - taping up his fingers with luminescent moss had been a nuisance but within a week he stopped trying to tear it away. I know that every time I come even ten feet near Jasper, he starts to bite his cheek and I made sure Monty gave him hardened sap from trees I'd retrieved, to chew on regularly. Nearly every night ends with me inside Delaney or Zack or Valerie or Lisa or Cassie or Thomas or Alan or Dane's tents, humming a simple tune my father taught me when I was younger, running my fingers through their hair, never truly waking them but bringing them some sort of comfort from their nightmares. I know that those who escape to the forest almost daily are always led by Octavia and Lincoln. I never go with them.

Throughout it all, I'm never truly left alone until I head to my tent at night. Whether I go with the other girls to the nearest creek to wash every other few days, or even to relieve myself at the latrines, one of the 47 is always with me. I can't blame them and I try not to feel annoyed or affectionate towards the act, but sometimes I can't help it when I sneak away from Raven and Wick to get some fresh air only to have Taylor stop sewing in the room around the corner and call me to come help her until the mechanic or engineer come looking for me. Or when I try to slink into the forest, closer to a deer, Paul is always the first to realize I'm not with them and shoots his arrow getting the animal right in the heart. He's a fast learner and picked up archery fairly well. Or even at night, when I don't sleep I check on the other 47 not on guard duty that night, Monty follows me before making sure I go back to my tent.

It's endearing, even the indifference everyone tries to maintain around me. I understand that they're afraid I'm going to leave them again and I don't hold it against them. So I let them trail after me, post people on me, having me work with someone different every day like a schedule. All of them watching me . . . except _him_.

The adults don't really know how to act around me. Kane can usually be found near my mother, speaking in hushed tones to one another or arguing or communicating silently with each other through looks and gestures and nods of their heads - something that I used to be so well versed in, but now . . . The other Camp Jaha residents, scurry around me, usually with pointed gazes that are partly in awe, partly in gratitude and partly in fear. I know what they think of me from the rumors.

They're amazed that I sacrificed my love for an alliance that fell through anyway, that I walked into the mountain and with the help of five others, came out with our people and the mountain's dead, that although those who survived are damaged, after my isolation I came out strong and brave and generous from preparing the Mountain supplies for the Camp, even as a privileged. The wilder rumors speculate the time on my own - the craziest ones suggest I had Finn's mutant lovechild (a product of being on the ground exposed to radiation) and stashed him/her away with a peaceful village of Grounders, while others believe that I walked into Polis and terrified the twelve tribes with my reputation into leaving us alone forever.

They'll never know how close to the truth the latter one is.


	11. Her Agreement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke recounts her time alone and how she was forced back into unfriendly company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an idea of where I wanted this specific reunion to go and how it can lead to discourse among the clans and eventually use Clarke later in the storyline to their advantage. I hope you like this.

**Clarke**

 

I didn't ever plan to go back to Lexa. After everything that had happened, ultimately failing in my fight for an alliance _she_ broke, feeling so betrayed by her, and yet, I had no right to judge since . . . I'd eventually _become_ her.

It was on Day Twenty-Eight that I stood with Reyna in the Floukru Heda's tent staring at the Commander.

It takes me a few minutes before I finally turn to Echo with a careful tone and respectful expression. "You said she wouldn't be back for another two weeks."

The woman in front of me is just a bit older than Reyna with long dark brown hair braided back over her shoulders where the cut scoop of her neckline reveals a dark tattoo on her right shoulder, dropping down underneath the rest of the sleeve. Her hazel eyes are serious on her long, drawn oval face, complementing the long limbs of her arms and legs.

She meets my accusing glare head on and replies shortly in her high lilting voice, "I lied."

So I, in turn, spin around to glance at Reyna who looks appropriately abashed at her part in deceiving me. She's as dark-skinned as Wells, with ebony colored hair that was braided halfway before curling out in thick gorgeous waves. Her bright calculating emerald eyes studying me from under her long eyelashes standing there with just as beautiful a body hidden underneath her dark trousers and soft leather jacket with chafing pads as armor sewn into the shoulders.

"You sought me out," I voice my anger. "Told me you only wanted me to talk to your clan leader-"

"No, I told you that the Commander would want to speak with you as well." Reyna's husky low voice defends herself and I shake my head at her, remembering her appearance in the forest five days prior.

She'd been trailing me for a good half hour and when I finally called attention to that fact, she'd jumped out of the tree above and landed right in front of me. I stood there silently taking in her furrowed brows and older worry lines across her forehead that aged her a good eight years or so more than me. She'd recognized me from "the Commander's description" and when I stiffened in surprise, she introduced herself to me as a clans person of the Floukru - the Boat People - and spoke of how her Heda wished to speak with me about the happenings of the mountain after their people had left. I'd ultimately refused until she'd grabbed my left arm and noted my wince, pushing up my sleeve so that she found the numerous jagged pink lines puckering up into new scars. I'd struggled out of her hold and started to walk away until her next words cut right to the walls around my heart, threatening to break out the waves of emotions there.

Those words were enough that she'd convinced me to travel with her for two and a half days until we reached TonDC. Enough that she became somewhat of my reluctant mentor, teaching me how to carve a bow and arrows out of fallen branches and stone, sewing together cloth for a quiver, learning to use them quickly on our second night when we were attacked by two mutated panthers. While the two-headed one managed to slash me over my right eye, I put three arrows - through poor technique, Reyna told me later - in it, while she, quite literally, rode the other split-tailed one like a horse before stabbing it in the back through the heart.

After that I didn't question her. She showed me how to line the insides of my pants with animal fur to stay warm, which plant's pollen could be ground up into a paste that hid my scars and the dark rings under my eyes. Even the bow and arrows I now carried over my shoulder with a comforting confidence in my newfound ability, and I couldn't help but practice my walk - she'd showed me herself, how to move through the forest silently.

The city itself was rebuilding and yet, everyone paused at our - or rather my - entrance. Within minutes, we'd been escorted quickly to the tree line at the far edge of the city where hundreds of tents laid in wait, about ten a good distance between the tree line and the city with clear markings on them. The Hedas of the clans.

Echo had at first been an intimidating figure but had immediately sworn that despite the clans peoples' demeanor, I would be safe under her hospitality while staying to negotiate for a new alliance with the Commander. I'd tried to make it clear to Echo that while I respected her as a leader of her clan and her vague limited history with _him_ , I wasn't staying to stick around to speak with Lexa about a new alliance. Echo had reassured me that Lexa had gone after the Ice Clan who'd departed immediately after the war. She wouldn't be back for a few weeks and I'd foolishly agreed to stay a while.

She'd made the point that since discovery that the twelve clans' enemy in the Mountain Men was gone, the alliance of their people was crumbling as the grating personalities and traditions between the clans began to broker fights. I could take advantage of that, meeting with the other Hedas and their people in an attempt to tell my story and gain support for my own people so I could advocate for a new alliance/treaty with them or when the Commander returned. I couldn't help but admit that she was probably right.

At the same time, I'd wanted to learn more about Echo, herself, and the true nature of her relationship with Bellamy, but she'd been reluctant to speak with me about it, instead pushing me towards Nyko, and a few of the other clans' fisas, or healers, the following few days in an attempt to learn more and make friends. And I had learned, a lot. But standing in front of Lexa now, none of what I'd learned about their herbs and plants and illnesses and clan gossip prepared me for this conversation.

"Clarke, we need to talk."

"I have nothing to say to you." I snap at the Commander in all her paint and armor. She looks a bit taken aback and even hurt but I don't soften my features once as she takes a breath and tries again.

"I know you don't trust me, Clarke and that you are only here for your people, but right now we have to work together before another war, one of massive proportions, threatens to tear apart my people and rain the blood of all the clans down on this land. I'm asking you because sooner or later, your own people will eventually get dragged into the crossfire."

I stare at her stonily, not wanting to give her an inch, but can't help the sigh that bursts forth.

"It's the Azgeda isn't it?" I ask her quietly and she looks at me again in surprise before nodding her head. "I've been speaking with some of the other healers of your tribes and a few of their warriors. I think I may have a solution that you will all appreciate." I tell them my plan and all three women frown.

"Absolutely not!" Lexa says immediately, the other two women shaking their heads at me.

"Clarke, no!" Echo said forcefully.

"I know it seems silly and inadequate but I think this will work. If you offer the normal treaties of trade amongst the rest of the clans, they will agree, but grudgingly. If you tell them that with the mountain gone, you can focus on each other, they'll respect that, including the Ice Clan. Explain that you want to be able to collaborate with them, offer a council of sorts among their Hedas and even representation to those among the clans who feel they don't have a real voice in the big decisions. And then tell them about building somewhat of a school for all the clans' young. Paint them a picture of a new era of peace and cooperation, that their children will be able to learn not just from their own elders and warriors, but new abilities and skills from other clans."

"I don't think you understand Clarke, my people, our tribes thrive on battles won and fighting to strengthen themselves, their techniques and their own confidence." Lexa argues with me.

"Then offer that too, but under supervision. They can offer wrestling, or fighting as sport, for teaching and fun, a way of releasing tension. Create new games, and entertainment that allow people to stop worrying about survival and instead give them ways to live." I stare at her, making sure that Lexa understands the double meaning behind my words, then continue. "Once they agree to a school, suggest that the Ice Clan be in charge of organizing the efforts of building it. Make sure they know that this is an honor, not a way to placate them."

"Even though it is?" Reyna asks drily. I bite back a smile.

"It doesn't matter, what does though, is that even though not everyone will be happy, this is something you can all work together on. Make sure everyone knows that. Especially the Ice Clan." I conclude and the three older women all stare at me.

"And what about your part, Clarke?" Reyna asks worriedly.

"She is right, you should not have to exchange yourself for your own people." Echo states but I shake my head again.

"If things go well, I won't have to. That is just a backup. Between the rotation of tradespeople and teachers you can plan out for the school, the Ice Clan will need a new healer. From what I understand Kai, their fisa, is passing along his wisdom to a young warrior, Wes, who is adept with his knowledge of herbs and plants and healing, but he is headstrong and intent on learning to be a warrior as well."

"Just like you." Reyna says softly at my elbow, but I ignore her.

"If the Ice Clan is still not satisfied with what you offer in the trade agreements as well as the school, then you offer me. Kai will allow Wes to become the warrior he wants to grow up to be, I will take over Kai's place as their healer, and my people will be acknowledged in your trading and in the school. There will be no more wars, no more fighting, and no more bloodshed." I finish strongly.

Lexa eyes me thoughtfully. "Maybe you should be the one to start off the talks, with your passion and your reputation, we might actually have a chance at things going peacefully and moving quickly." She mutters but I shake my head.

"No, I'm not staying longer. I'll only be here for another few days before I have to leave." I tell her shortly and she seems to realize that what little courtesy I'd extended towards her was fast ending.

"Clarke, I know you must hate me," she starts but I cut her off.

"You're right." I told her, a familiar fire burning in the pit of my stomach. "I do hate you. I sacrificed everything for an alliance _you_ broke the first chance it was tested! We turned over Finn, we gave you a chance to restore the Reapers to their natural state, we gave you technology and backing in a war you've had against the mountain for years! And what did we get? Absolutely nothing! And here I am being pulled back into your toxic leadership, aligning myself with _you_ so that _you_ have peace, you have treaties and alliances and cooperation that we never even had a chance at! You're damn right I hate you! I can barely stand to look at you! And yet here you are, pretending to care about me exchanging my life for _your_ peace!"

I can't help the yelling, but the calm expression on her face gives away nothing and I can barely resist the urge not to just slug her.

"Clarke, I did what I had to do for my people. You out of everyone else should understand that." She says pointedly.

"Of course I understand!" I cry exasperated. "I wouldn't be in this city if I didn't understand! But that doesn't mean I don't hate you for what you made me do! What I've become _because of you_! My people were being _drilled_ into for their bone marrow! They would've killed everyone! Including my own mother! My own part-ner." My voice finally cracks on the last word and a tear escapes down my cheek. I duck my head, trying to reign in the emotions threatening to overtake my mind and put up my walls. After a long moment, I raise my head, my cold exterior back in place. "I know in war, terrible things are needed to be done in order to win . . . but that doesn't make it right! It never will!" Lexa looks taken aback as I glare at her and I know that my harsh tone is unnerving even to the two women in the corner of the tent. I shake my head, finished with this conversation. "Do whatever you want to do Lexa, it's what you always do anyways." I practically spit at her and quickly exit the tent.

"Clarke!" I hear someone rushing after me.

"What?" I practically shriek, spinning around on my heel, letting my still simmering anger get the better of me.

Reyna doesn't shrink from my outburst, instead, standing taller and rolling her shoulders back, puffing out her chest. "What is it that _you_ want?"

I stare in confusion at her words. She almost smiles at my bewildered expression. "From the trade agreements, what is it that you want for your people, Clarke?" I take a minute to think about it.

"Peace for one thing, I want my people to be left alone on the land they've chosen for themselves as home. Extending that to our first Dropship and the river that runs to the lake on the east side of it."

"Done, what else?" Reyna asks and I blink in surprise.

"Um, we need advice. We've survived on our own so far, I know we can do it ourselves, but we just need some guidance. An exchange in knowledge for plants, animals and even trees that would help us for food and medicinal uses as well construction supplies. We could trade some of our technology and intelligence for some of your own."

"Alright, I can speak to a few of our other tribes to see who would be willing to visit your Camp for a week or two and just teach some of your people of our ways in agriculture and building and hunting and foraging. And I'll see if any of our tradespeople will be interested in learning the mechanics of your technology and if they would like to trade for it."

I offer a small smile in return and nod my head. "Thank you Reyna, you have been a good companion to have in travel and in friendship." I tell her and she smiles back.

She calls me back as I start to turn away. "Clarke! I understand that you will need time to heal from the weight you've taken on after the war, but you do not have to take on that weight alone. I know your other people's Heda, Belomi, would be willing to share the burden. Echo speaks highly of him - she admires his courage in the face of danger and his unwavering loyalty to you and the Skaikru." I stiffen at the mention of Bellamy but don't turn back to face her, afraid she'll read the truth behind my eyes.

"I appreciate your acknowledgement Reyna, but I am fine. Let me know what the other clans' Hedas say." I walk deep into the woods, until I reach my own tent that is a good distance away from anyone else and walk in, falling onto my bedroll.

Within four days, the clans had come together for a massive celebration because of how quickly the trade agreements and the new alliance - which included all _thirteen_ clans now - as well as the talks of the new school had been settled. That night, during the celebration, I said my goodbyes to the Hedas I'd spoken to about exchanging supplies between our peoples and then made my way to Echo and Reyna. They saw me coming and we split ourselves from the dancing and hollering of their clan.

"You don't have to leave you know. There is still much discussion needed involving the school and the Ice Clan's involvement."

"I know. But you can always send word for me." I tell Reyna.

"I know you wanted to speak about Belomi and what happened to him in the mountain." Echo says quietly and I shake my head.

"I know what happened, Echo. When I return, I have no doubt I'll see the scars." Reyna and Echo exchange a look and I know they understand that I wasn't just speaking of the physical ones inflicted upon him.

"You will return though, won't you?" Reyna asks but I hesitate too long.

"You must return sooner or later." Echo insists.

"I know. I still need time to myself, though. I know that winter is still a ways away, but if you could visit my people's camp in a month's time and if I'm not there, let them know of the trade agreements and the new alliance." I address Reyna and after a quick questioning glance at her leader, nods. I sigh in relief.

"Will you though?" I hear Reyna ask me quietly and I look at her sharply.

"Will I what?"

"Tell them of our deals when you do return."

I swallow hard, thinking of the blowup that would eventually happen with him and sigh. "Thank you both, for everything you have done for me." I choose to say instead.

"You are a true Heda, Klark kom Skaikru." Echo tells me and offers her hand. When I reach out, she grasps my forearm and I curl my fingers around her own with a firm shake. She nods, meeting my gaze and I can tell she's looking for something deeper behind my eyes. I break away and Reyna instead folds me into her arms.

"Travel safely, Clarke. And try to forgive yourself." I pull away nodding, but they both know I won't acknowledge her last request. I turn my back on them, catching an image of Lexa closer to the bonfire they've erected watching our exchange, and turn to the trees, walking forward and disappearing in them.


	12. Her Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally seems to come to terms with what she has done to get to where she is now but not in the way expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we finally see her and Bellamy within ten yards of each other and their reactions to how she helps the others, without their knowing as well as her meeting an old face we won't recognize.

**Clarke**

 

I lay there on my bedroll staring up at my tent ceiling, listening to the silence of the night, and waiting for the first person's nightmares so I can get up and comfort them in their sleep.

In a few hours it will be Day Twelve since I've been back at Camp Jaha. Still in my routine of barely eating my meals, doing whatever job I've been assigned to that day, then allowing Monty to follow me as I say quiet goodnights to the 47 not on Guard duty, and heading to my tent.

But tonight, he was chatty. Monty sat down next to my bedroll and talked to me about one of the Guards seeing a Grounder in the woods today. I stiffened, remembering instantly I still had yet to tell my mother or Kane or even _him_ of my part in the new alliance with the Grounders or our trade agreements or better yet - the school. Luckily Monty didn't even notice, wondering aloud if our adult leaders would reach out to the Grounders and try for peace again or if the Grounders would actually leave us alone for once. I made simple noises of agreement and disbelief to let him know I was still listening as he kept rambling about the Guard and then about Miller in particular. I let him, knowing he was nearing the end of his energy and he fell asleep against one of my fur.

I rose silently when I heard the first whimpers of the night only two hours later and thought nothing of leaving Monty alone as I went in search of Valerie's tent. After twenty minutes of gently holding her hands, brushing her hair off her face and humming quietly under my breath, I quietly exited her tent and stood outside for just a brief moment, listening and waiting before I heard Alan a few tents down. It another three hours before I finished comforting six others of the 47 and began to retrace my steps back to my own tent.

Until I heard someone new this time.

I hesitated outside of Jasper's tent. I knew he was a light sleeper from our time at the Dropship and I was afraid of waking him and having a confrontation, but when I heard his crying I let the grief and guilt I felt for Maya weigh on my heart before I entered slowly. I took in his long gangly form shaking underneath his furs, crying her name in his sleep and quickly strode over, kneeling down next to his torso and reached out, stroking his sweaty hair out of his face and murmured in his ear.

"I'm sorry, Jasper. I'm so sorry. I'll never stop being so sorry. You're alright. It's gonna take a long time, but you're gonna be alright."

Surprisingly he responded to my words, reaching out with both arms and cradling my hand in his. Slowly, his shaking died down until his face was no longer contorted in pain and anguish and he looked like the innocent sixteen year old kid he used to be. I gently leant over, brushing my lips against his head and sighed before standing up and exiting his tent.

I froze in my spot when I found three dark figures standing just off to the side, close enough to Jasper's tent to have heard my consoling as well as seen the path I'd been taking between the others' tents. My eyes raked over Monty and Lincoln's figures, the contrasting heights and slim and hulking forms between them almost funny, until my eyes landed on the third figure.

A good medium-height, a mess of curly hair and a smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose and cheeks. The four of us stood there in silence, judging each other without a word. I sighed before turning to go back to my own bedroll, until I heard Monty's voice.

"How many?"

I didn't turn around. "Tonight, nine." I said steadily and began to walk away again without realizing my mistake.

"You do this every night?" I couldn't help it.

My steps faltered at his low, tired gravelly voice but I didn't stop again, knowing that my face would betray me.

The next morning found me staring at the ceiling of my tent again, while I laid on my bedroll, waiting quietly as the early morning light crept upon the Camp. It wasn't until I heard those on Guard changing shifts, that I got up, quietly reaching under the furs by my head for the cloth that contained the paste I used to cover my cuts and bruises on my wrists, as well as the dark rings under my eyes.

I didn't use a mirror, but I smoothed out the wrinkles and lines in my face as I stood up, the paste still fresh on my face before pushing up my sleeves and rubbing my wrists and forearms with it. I frowned down at my stash. I only had maybe another days' worth left. I would have to fetch more.

I glanced at my dagger lying next to my pack at the flap of my tent and grabbed it, pushing up my right sleeve and glancing at the fresh cut from two days ago. My left arm had already healed into scars, but this bottom wound on my forearm, I reopen it as a reminder to myself of what I walked away from, and how the kids - my kids - are living their lives much better without my dangerous authority. But as I stare at my dagger, I remember the expressions on Monty and Lincoln's faces what little moonlight had shone from last night. The surprised yet affectionate warmth behind Monty's eyes and Lincoln's kind yet gruff smile.

 _His_ I didn't even want to think about. I slowly lowered my dagger, sheathing it into my belt and sighed, closing my eyes and running my fingers through my tangled hair.

When I stepped out of my tent five minutes later, I sensed a heavy air of tension in the camp as those on Guard were replaced at their posts. I watched as someone stepped out of the Ark, their eyes scanning the camp right on schedule, before landing on me.

My eyes connected with my mother's, and before I knew it my own feet were carrying me right to her. She watched in surprise, as I moved closer until I was standing right in front of her. Her disheveled hair had been pulled back and her sleepy eyes grew sharper, taking in my stiff posture and crossed arms.

"Clarke." She greeted me warily and I couldn't blame her caution. I hadn't spoken to her outright unless it was about medical occurrences I needed her opinion on and the few times she'd tried to broach subjects about the Camp I talked circles around her until I made my escape.

"When you get the chance, I need to speak with you and Kane."

She looked at me curiously. "Why?"

"It's about the Grounders." She stiffened in shock, her mouth forming a small 'o' and her eyes widening.

"What about them?" She seemed to come back to her senses, becoming more business-like at the unexpected topic.

"Find a time that I can speak with you two about it and I'll tell you then." I said curtly and turned to leave, but she reached out grabbing my arm. I resisted the urge to hiss at the tight grip on my self-inflicted wound.

"Clarke." We stared at each other for a moment, her gaze bewildered and desperate and mine cold and indifferent before she finally released me.

"I'll talk to you later." I said quietly and left her, heading for the cooking area. My own eyes met his where he was standing near the fence with one of the guards briefly and I froze in spot, but he kept talking turning back to look at Thorpe as he spoke and I sucked in a breath, trying to slow my quickened pulse as I met Monty in line. He looked at me strangely, but I ignored him and the few other pairs of eyes I felt on me, focusing on the food tokens in my pocket in exchange for the skinned rabbit and dried berries that were being handed out.

It wasn't until later that day that I realized that the 47 were unnaturally quiet around me as I worked on chopping firewood with Brian and Izzy, the construction crew only a few yards away, sneaking glances and looks at me as they worked quickly and efficiently, cutting down trees into equal lengths and rolling them to a clearing to place them out. They might have thought they were subtle, but with a good thirteen people's attention on you as they worked, it was hard not to realize that they were all staring at me.

Valerie and Alan strode over with buckets of water from the gate in their hands engaged in conversation, but as soon as they grew closer to me they both stopped abruptly when they caught me watching them as I took a breath, huffing with the axe still in my hands. Sounds of construction and talk fell away as I looked around at them all and it registered somewhere in my mind that they were aware of my nightly activities.

I sighed. Monty.

The sun beat down on our on heated faces as the seconds ticked away into long awkward moments as they waited for my reaction. I glanced down, shaking my head before I finally set my axe into the tree stump I'd used as a prop, coming quickly to a decision as I glanced up at them all.

"Tonight. Campfire. Everyone be there." I pitched my voice so it carried to everyone in the vicinity and I knew they got the message. Just the 47. Then I walked away.

For the first time since I'd been back, no one followed me as I walked towards the electrified fence. I nodded at the guards at the gate and briefly barked at them to open it.

"I need to collect a few plants for Jackson." I lied easily and the two men glanced at each other before nodding.

"Octavia is out with a hunting party, nearby. Don't go too far." The younger of the two, I think Evans, tells me and I nod at them as they let me through.

I take off for the woods, but once I'm through the tree line where the Guard can see, I veer off to the right. It takes me a while but I finally reach the creek I know runs through and keep my eyes to the ground, scanning the fronds there, searching for the smaller sharp-petal ones with colorful pollen that usually accompany them. I bite back a smile as I find a whole grouping of them behind a tree next to the creek with fronds hiding them on either side of the trunk. I collect only two of the plants' pollen, but when I finish tying the cloth now containing the pollen I use tying them all up in some cloth and put in my pack, I turn around and find someone I haven't seen in weeks standing there.

His skin is as dark as his sister's with the same long soft ebony hair and jade colored eyes. He has a matching oval face and dimple with thicker muscles clearly defined underneath his leather armored jacket and towers over my small figure. Reyna's twin grins toothily at me, still holding his waterskin in his hands and I blink slowly trying to process the sight in front of me. Then it sinks in.

"What are you doing here?" I practically hiss at him as I jump up from the grassy bank of the creek and towards his thick outstretched arms.

"Seeing you." His mouth moves against the crook of where my neck and shoulder meets and I sigh, tightening my grip on him.

"You shouldn't have come here, Walker." I mutter back at him and he chuckles, his whole body vibrating with soft laughter and I can't help the soft smile that creeps over my face.

When he finally pulls back, I can't help the guilty look I have in my eyes. He takes in my appearance and the bundle in my hand and then quickly ties his waterskin to his belt, raising his hands to my face, running his damp fingers over my face, wiping away the evidence of my exhaustion.

"You still cannot sleep?" Comes the question and I don't look at his face, instead dropping my gaze to his pack on the ground.

"An hour or two at most. Sometimes three if I'm unlucky." I tell him and he huffs frustratedly at me, giving me a moment before his eyes wander down to my hands and I begin to turn away, but he catches my right hand in both of his and pushes up the sleeve slowly, allowing me time to refuse . . . but I don't.

He brushes his fingers over my wrist, and I can feel the wetness from his waterskin as he smears the paste until it reveals the scars and then, an inch away from my elbow, the two-day old cut. I feel the slow breath he lets out against my cheeks as he looks down at them.

"You still haven't forgiven yourself yet."

"Don't start with me, Walker." I say in warning, pulling away from his grasp and pushing my sleeve back down.

"Clarke, have you even told them what you accomplished?"

"What do you think?" I scoff at him, letting my irritation show.

"Clarke you have to do it sometime."

"I know, Walker! I requested an audience from my mother and Kane." I say mockingly and he just stares at me until I put the pieces together. "You - you let them see you! Walker!"

"Clarke, you have to face her sooner or later."

"No, I don't! I said all that I needed to say when I was fighting with five other Hedas to fix everything _she'd_ broken with the other clans!"

"Clarke, she's doing her best."

"No, she's doing what's best for her and her people. I'm doing what's right for mine. I always have."

"Even when you abandoned them for the second time?"

My hand swung out and struck him across the face. After a beat, he slowly turned his head back around, an ashamed expression clear on his face but I shook my head at him, shutting down the anger and joy and frustration and the ease I'd felt to bloom within my chest at his appearance.

"You. Don't. Judge. Me." Every word burst forth with such iciness that he shrunk from every syllable. "Since I found you bleeding out in the bottom of that pit, you promised you would never do that. Looks like broken promises run in the family." I say coldly and turn away from him, reaching down and grabbing my own pack, stuffing the cloth with the pollen into it before closing it and slipping it onto my shoulders. "I've regretted every step I ever took away from my kids, Walker and I always will, because I abandoned them - twice. I abandoned Octavia and Lincoln. I abandoned _him_ -" My voice cracks on the last word and I feel him come up behind, slowly wrapping his arms around me. I fight tooth and nail to keep my emotions in check, but they pulse loudly with my heartbeat at the thought of Bellamy's shocked expression last night.

His posture had been, as if the realization that I'd actually considered consoling our people from their nightmares, taken aback. That thought cut deep through my wall around my emotions, slipping through them and straight to my empty heart, practically slashing at it until I felt the familiar pang of pain. That's why I hadn't cut through the scab that had grown over my wound this morning. Because I didn't need to: I still felt the pain from last night.

I let Walker's arms soothe the sting I still felt for a moment longer before pushing them away - his arms and the pain - and turning to face him meeting the green sadness in his eyes.

"Every day I wake up and I walk out of my tent and let them hate me and judge me and be indifferent to me because I know that's what they need. I keep my distance from Octavia and Bellamy because I know that's what they want. It's what they need to live their own lives without me as a burden and heal from what they've both been through because of what I did, what I put them through. I let them follow me around the Camp, making sure I'm not leaving again because they need the reassurance that even though they don't need me, that I'm there for them to punish so they can heal from what I caused. I know your people respect me, they fear me, but you and Reyna were the first in my entire life not to judge me for what I've done, but rather for who I am."

"And what is that?" Walker asks quietly, but I stare at him steadily until he drops his head in acceptance. He knows what I am.

A monster broken.


	13. Her Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy tries hard not to think about Clarke even though she's back and ends up worrying more about her anyways when Octavia witnesses Clarke in the woods alone - or not as alone as she's supposed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy's POV about Clarke's return and we finally see how he, his sister and Lincoln interact when the come together to discuss Clarke.

**Bellamy**

 

She was back and I couldn't breathe unless I saw one of the 47 trailing along after her. She was back, had set up tent within an hour after her return near the fence but still in the vicinity of the 47, and every day worked alongside someone different . . . just never me - or Octavia.

At first I couldn't tell if it was because the others knew we didn't want to be around her right now, but then I realized that she was purposefully keeping her distance from us and I had no idea why. I mean I knew exactly why, there were so many reasons why she was doing it, I wanted to know which one specifically, though.

Was it because she resented me for forcing her to come back before she was ready? Or that she doesn't want to lead again? There were too many to keep listing but the one I kept worrying the most about was, what if she didn't want to?

Those were the thoughts that plagued me at night as I stared up at my tent ceiling, knowing that I wouldn't get any shuteye before my patrol in a few hours. And I always did manage to get some hours of sleep, albeit the minimum I'd once counted being five hours. The nightmares that used to torment me weren't as frequent and I refused to believe it was because of the knowledge that _she_ was here, sleeping just on the other side of the 47's tents, alive and breathing.

No matter how warm my heart felt at the fact that Clarke was in Camp Jaha, the anger at myself came that I was so obviously affected by her presence, so I took it as a blessing that she kept her distance, allowing me to push my feelings away and instead focus on the construction of the smokehouse and the dorms we were focusing on at the moment. I kept tabs with Jasper and Ryan who were in charge of the project, for the most part, only reporting to Kane about their progress every few days. I kept an eye on the others who never actually stayed with one job. They were taking full advantage of the fact that the adults were still organizing everything that had come down with the Ark.

Instead of assigning the kids to the stations they'd grown up in, they were breaking through the metal sheets of walls in the Ark, to get past the crumpled doors and search their fallen ship for lost supplies they could utilize instead. It was a brilliant move that Wick had actually mentioned to me when I'd voiced my worries to him and Raven one day before her return. The adults had been getting antsy with the kids and the fights that kept breaking out and Wick had set down his wrench he'd been using on some contraption or other and excitedly whispered how to keep them busy. I had immediately suggested it to Kane who brightened visibly at the thought of untold riches they could find in their broken space station.

Since then, the kids had gone through the Camp, every day, switching jobs, trying to assess what they actually liked and what they were good at, and it had been working. Monty still liked to work with the agro people but every two days he was found working alongside Raven and Wick, suggesting quietly to put a wire here and screw in a bolt there. Raven and Wick took to him easily, bantering around him and including him in their conversations and thought processes when they were working something out. Harper loved being with the Guard, holding a gun gave her more confidence every day but she still loved hanging around Monroe and Willow and Teresa and the party that went out foraging. Kelly and Alan have found themselves experimenting how to grill meat with the cooks and Zack always comes back with the hunting party and skins all the meats himself while Natalie shows the adult cooks how to make stews, broths, and boil soups. Cassie and Evan are often found with Taylor, mending, sewing and learning how to knit to make thicker blankets and clothes. I can't help but beam with pride every time I find a genuine smile on one of my kids' faces.

They're still healing but for the first time since we've been down here, they don't have to fight to survive, now they're actually _living_.

The only thing that's been odd is that normally when I wake at night - either after a nightmare or for my Guard patrol - it's late enough that I can hear one of the others' suffering in their sleep, but by the time I get to them, they're calm and sleeping peacefully. It wasn't until last night when I'd finally learned the reason.

I'd been weaving my way around the tents, trying to figure out whose whimpers were getting quieter when I felt someone's hand on my shoulder stop me in my tracks. I whirled around with my knife and my handgun out but immediately dropped them when I saw it was Lincoln with Monty.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked, returning my weapons to my belt as my eyes adjusted to their faces in the dark.

"I walked Clarke back to her tent tonight like I usually do," Monty started nervously, and I tried not to flinch at her name, "but I stayed a little while to talk and fell asleep. When I woke up a half hour ago she was gone and I tried to go looking for her but ran into Lincoln here."

"Bellamy, we've been here watching her." Lincoln whispered staring past us and Monty and I turned as we watched a dark figure from inside Emily and Jasmine's tent, stand up and emerge slowly. The figure was small in stature and looked thin but the dirty blonde, jaggedly cut hair confirmed what I already knew.

She turned to walk back towards her tent but stilled at the sound of someone crying in their sleep. It was soft but Monty jerked in surprise as we all recognized Jasper's sobs. He hadn't cried in weeks. I went to move towards Jasper's tent since we were closer but Lincoln grabbed my arm and pulled me back into the shadows and shook his head at me, gesturing for me to watch.

The three of us were silent as she made her way towards Jasper's tent, hesitating for a brief moment before slipping under the flap. We crept closer watching her shadow kneel next to him and I closed my eyes at her soft words that carried in the quiet evening.

"I'm sorry, Jasper. I'm so sorry. I'll never stop being so sorry. You're alright. It's gonna take a long time, but you're gonna be alright." She stayed there for about ten minutes, repeating her words and I could only guess she was running her slim scarred fingers through his hair before, after a minute leaning over him, she stood up and left. She turned towards her tent and froze at the sight of us standing there. It was the first time I'd seen her with her guard down.

She looked sad, guilty, ashamed, and resigned all in the same brief second before her walls came back up, her face returning to it's expressionless state it had been in since she'd returned to Camp. They all stood there for a moment before she turned to leave. Monty took a few steps forward nervously.

"How many?" He asked, but she didn't turn around.

"Tonight, nine." She said simply before beginning to walk away again but her words sunk in and I had to ask, to see if my suspicions were right.

"You do this every night?" I swear I saw her stumble before she steadied herself and kept walking away, back towards her tent.

When she was gone, I turned to Lincoln. "How long?" He raised an eyebrow and but I narrowed my eyes at him.

"At least three hours." I said nothing, trying to process the fact that Clarke got up every night to comfort those with night terrors, easing their pain and suffering, and then returning to her tent.

"No one's said anything about this? No one's mentioned Clarke coming and waking them up from their nightmares?" I asked Monty and he shook his head. "She's never done this for you?" I questioned trying to see if he really didn't know Clarke did this every night.

"Bellamy-"

"No! I - I had a nightmare maybe three nights ago, but I don't remember waking up. I think it stopped and I started dreaming about something else entirely. It was . . . better." Even in the moonlight I could see he was blushing and my thoughts went briefly to Miller before they came back to the matter at hand.

"Bellamy," Lincoln reached his hand out to get my attention. "She's not waking them up from their nightmares. She's sitting with them and comforting them. Her words, her consoling, it reaches them in their subconscious and calms them so their dreams become more peaceful."

"That's possible?" Monty asks surprised.

"It must be what their subconscious is craving for it to affect them like that. Normally night terrors rule your own mind so that when it becomes too terrifying it alerts your senses and wakes you, but this - their minds must want someone to soothe them . . . or maybe just her." Lincoln concludes softly and I huff in surprise before exhaustion hits me suddenly.

I run my hand over my face before shaking my head. "Well, at least it helps them." I murmur. "I'm heading back to bed, I'll talk to you guys in the morning."

I can feel their eyes on me as I walk back to my own tent, but all I do when I get there is fall into my bed, waiting for sleep to overtake me, and I can't help the thought from wandering through my mind as I'm dragged into the darkness, that I wish one of my nightmares visited me, if only for her to do the same for me as she's done for them.

When I wake later that morning, I know I have to get up and speak to Thorpe about teaching him and the rest of the Guard what to look for, if and when the Grounders do come. Since he'd come back yesterday from scouting movement in the trees saying he'd seen a Grounder, people had become tense with nerves and apprehension, and when I walked out of my tent to talk to him, I could still feel it in the air this morning. It was only when I'd begun to explain to Thorpe I had to teach all of the Guard that I saw her.

She strode across the Camp to her mother who was staring at her in shock and they spoke quickly. Clarke tried to leave once, but Abby caught her arm and I saw the beginnings of a wince come over her face before she schooled it back into indifference and turned back. They stared at each other briefly before Abby let go of her and she began to walk towards the eating area. Her eyes met mine and she stopped for a moment, those blue orbs widening for a moment before I took a breath between sentences and turned back to Thorpe. When I finished arguing my case he nodded briefly and went back to the rest of his patrol while I turned to find her.

She was walking towards a table with Monty, not speaking as he just chattered at her. I watched her chewing her food before she pushed away her plate, realizing she'd only had not even a third of what was there. I sighed turning to face the rest of the day.

It wasn't until I'd returned from my patrol that afternoon that I realized what the 47 had been gossiping about all morning. I'd watch them sidle up to each other, mumbling under their breaths and their expressions were fascinating to watch. They were everything from anger, to exasperation, to shy joy, to a warming affection. But most were wary and shock.

"Bellamy, I need to talk to you." Octavia came up behind me. I turned to face her.

"Do you know what everyone's talking about today?" I asked her, gesturing to the 47 who were currently taking their time with rolling the trees they'd cut down the day before over to the clearing where the dorms were to be placed. She glanced up at me and I took in her paint-less face and furrowed brows knowing something was bothering her.

"Lincoln told me about what happened last night. He said that Clarke's been finding the others at night and comforting them when they have nightmares without waking them up. I think someone heard you guys talking last night and blabbed to the rest of them. That or it was Monty. That's what Sterling told me when we were hunting."

I sighed. "Of course." She looked at me anxiously.

"Bellamy, there's something else."

"What?" I asked turning back to her.

"Clarke was out in the woods alone today." I stiffened, my mouth opening to spill out questions but she held up a hand before I could get a word out. "That's not all, though. There was a Grounder who met her." She bit her lip and I could tell she was trying to get the whole story out even as my stomach clenched in apprehension. "She called him Walker. She seemed to know him and Bellamy . . . she's been covering up how healthy she is." At that my heart seemed to stop before the heaviness settled on my chest.

"Tell me everything you heard." I demand and we walk to her tent for more privacy.

Lincoln is already there, shifting his weight back and forth for a few minutes before Octavia has us both inside sitting down on the single cot in here. I try not to scowl at it and instead listen intently as she tells us her story.

Octavia had gone to check on the animal traps by herself while the hunting party stalked a deer and instead, found Clarke picking some pollen from a plant by herself near a creek to the east. When Octavia went to confront the older girl a dark-skinned Grounder, Walker apparently, had appeared from the trees and Clarke had just stood there, stunned, before throwing herself into the Grounder's arms.

Lincoln seemed to stiffen at the name Octavia spoke and even though I looked at him questioningly he shook his head, not willing to interrupt my sister.

She explained how she'd snuck silently through the forest to get closer and listen to their conversation and she told them that Walker seemed very familiar with her. He'd wet his hands from a waterskin and then wiped his hands over her skin, seeming to brush away what Octavia thought to be some kind of old-fashioned makeup of some kind because it concealed the dark rings around her eyes indicating just how tired she truly was. When Walker questioned her she revealed she only received a couple hours of sleep.

At this point, Octavia hesitated. "O, what's wrong? What happened? Did he hurt her? Is she alright?" I can't help my concern for Clarke showing through but she shook her head.

"Her arm. She didn't stop him, but he pushed up her right sleeve and, Bell, there were scars. Even from six yards away I could tell that they were only maybe a month old. But she had a fresh cut close to her elbow. It only looked a few days old, guys."

The tent was silent as the implications unspoken from her lips filled the air and the growing dread that had crept up into my chest since Octavia had approached me not five minutes ago, threatened to consume me.

"Were they horizontal or vertical?" Lincoln's steady voice came and I stared at nothing as I listened to O's short reply.

"They ran across her arm. Horizontal."

"Her intent wasn't death then." I recoiled at the word and O's eyes softened as she stared at me. "She's punishing herself." Lincoln concluded quietly and I nodded my head.

"Of course she is. She thinks it's what she deserves." I hear myself say.

"The Grounder, Walker, he talked to her about not forgiving herself and saying that she hasn't told the Camp something and she blew up at him. She mentioned she talked to Abby about speaking to her and Kane about whatever it is. I think it's about the Grounder clans." She took a breath and kept going. "Walker kept talking in circles about facing someone and it was pretty obvious it was Lexa when Clarke said she'd already said everything she needed to when she was fighting with five other Hedas to fix everything Lexa had broken with the other clans. They way she said it seemed like she'd been forced to but I didn't completely understand it."

"What else did they talk about?" Lincoln prompted her and Octavia sighed looking suddenly five years older as she kept going.

"Walker tried to calm her down but Clarke was pissed and said that Lexa was doing what she did for herself and her people and that Clarke was doing the same for her own, doing the right thing for them, and she always has. Then he said something like, 'Even when you abandoned them for the second time?' She totally shut down after that, she got this look on her face I've never seen before, it was like she was totally detached but icy at the same time. Clarke slapped him and scolded him for judging her when he promised not to. She mentioned his family doing the same thing."

It was Lincoln's turn to wince and we both turned to him expectantly. He sighed and took a breath. "I know Walker. He was born of the Floukru but left after he became of age wanting to travel. His twin sister did the same. Her name is Reyna."

"Wait a second, Reyna? As in the Reyna you were with before me?" Octavia's voice grew shrill and Lincoln closed his eyes briefly. I knew he was trying to collect his thoughts as O stood there watching him with an almost predatory look in her eyes. I huffed out a breath.

"O, can you do this later?" She looked at me furiously before turning her gaze back on Lincoln. He stared up at her pleadingly and I could tell even behind his eyes how much he really loved my sister. I looked down at my hands in my lap and then Octavia began to speak again.

"She told him how much she regretted ever walking away from her kids and that she always will because she abandoned them twice. She abandoned us-" she glanced at Lincoln "-she abandoned you." She looks at me sadly and I struggle to keep my own emotions off my face as she continues. "She told him that she goes through her routine every day, letting the kids judge her and hate her because it's what they need. She said she keeps her distance from you and me because she knows it's what we want, what we need to live our lives without her as a burden and to heal from what she's put us through. She told him she lets the kids follow her around every day because even though they don't need her they need her there to punish so they can heal from what she caused."

I close my eyes in defeat.

I let her go so she could heal, come to terms with everything that she's done, everything that's happened. All in an effort to move on. Instead she left and reasoned with herself that she's a monster who deserves to be punished by her own people because she blames herself for all the trials the Earth has put them through - put us through.

I fall back onto the bed and stare up at the tent ceiling. "We have to fix this. We have to fix her." I tell the other two and don't look to see if they agree with me. "I have to fix this." I tell the stain on the tent ceiling.


	14. Her People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally talks to Abby and Kane about the Grounders and when she sees the discrimination of the 47, she steps up in a big way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be her apology to the rest of the 47 and to Bellamy at the campfire, but I had this scene in my head where I really wanted Clarke to sort of have this speech in front of the rest of the Camp and I love this. Hope you like it. Please comment and critique :D

**Bellamy**

 

While Lincoln and Octavia spoke over me about Reyna for an hour, I didn't move from my spot, staring at the ceiling of the tent my mind stuck on one thing.

Clarke.

I couldn't stop thinking about how every day since she'd been back, she stepped out of her tent, immediately accosted and dragged along to the eating area by Monty or one of the 47, who force fed her to chew on a couple of bites, before walking over to whatever job they were doing that day. It didn't matter that she was trained as a medic first, and that she could help people the most. The 47 had taken it upon themselves without any sort of signal from me to keep an eye on her, and to keep her busy and moving, even if they didn't want her with them.

It wasn't hard to figure out either. Although I know that most of them actually were happy to have her back, even if not in a leadership position, but since we'd come face to face in the forest, my emotions had automatically taken over and despite what I'd told myself, I know that the 47 were taking their cues from me. And the first thing that had taken over since I'd seen her was anger.

Anger that she'd left in the first place. Anger that she'd been selfish for probably the first time in her life so she could heal on her own. Anger that she didn't listen to me. Anger that she didn't ask me to go with her. Anger that she'd left the others to deal with their own pain. Anger that she left me to suffer my own guilt.

_Alone._

And it obviously showed.

So even if they didn't want to, they'd greeted her and accepted her back easily, but their outward attitudes were casual and almost uncaring as they went through their daily routines with her shadowing them, working alongside them. And she'd known what they were doing. She knew somewhere in the back of her mind that they were doing this on my behalf and she was respecting that, respecting them. Even if it wasn't what she wanted.

My thoughts were interrupted when Miller came rushing into the tent. Lincoln and Octavia were both startled at the seventeen-year old's sudden appearance.He'd found his beanie one of his first days back at Camp and now he never was without it. Finn had found it at the Dropship when we'd made it back there.

He looked nervously at them before turning to me. I sat up and schooled my face into the blank mask, I usually wore.

"Bellamy, you should get out here. Abby and Kane are holding a meeting - with Clarke."

Within moments I was out the tent and heading straight for the Ark doors where I knew they would be talking, barely registering that the other three were following. As I grew closer to the adults' unofficial council room, I saw people milling about inside, nonchalantly, trying to eavesdrop. I pushed them away, glaring until they started moving outside.

I slipped into the room unnoticed to Clarke and her mother, but Kane's eyes snapped to me as I walked up behind the two women who were staring at each other, one wistfully, the other with a hard glare.

"Alright, what is it you wanted to speak with us." Kane asked and Clarke turned to him, taking a deep breath.

"The Grounders are to be left alone." Her voice was even, steady but her tone was downright icy and I could actually see her mother shiver.

"Clarke, I understand that even after everything, you want to be cautious, but they've been hostile towards us since we got here and the uncomfortable alliance that we were banded together in, _they_ broke. _They_ turned their backs on us." Kane tries to reason with her.

"So did _you_ , in more ways than one." Clarke says harshly and Kane actually winces while her mother stares, shocked. "Besides, they were under orders. The _commander's_ orders. _She_ made a deal with the mountain's president, and I know for a fact that not all of the Grounders agreed with her decision to leave us to the mountain's mercy."

"And how do you know that?" Kane asked sharply. She purses her lips but doesn't say what we all know.

"I know you are wary of the Grounders, as you have every right to be. But since we have been down here, we've only ever dealt with their warriors. We have yet to see them in their villages, watching them build sturdy roofs and walls to protect them from the rain - which  _you_ haven't even experienced yet." She pauses watching Kane and Abby's uneasy expressions. "Or seen the fields where they grow wheat, so they can harvest and make bread." Kane's eyes lit up. "And we haven't even seen how they survive in the winter. We encountered them in a time of war. So, stop looking at them as the savages they paint themselves as and look at them for the people that have survived ninety-seven years on the ground despite the mutated animals and brutal environment and cruel enemies of the mountain."

The adults study her after her impassioned speech.

"They reached out to you, during your time alone." Kane says and Clarke tenses up at that.

I take a step forward glaring at him, and even though she doesn't turn, I know she can feel my presence, sense my movement, and I watch as the muscles in her shoulders relax a bit.

"They did."

They wait for her to say something else but when she doesn't, Abby breaks the silence first. "You made another alliance with Lexa?"

Clarke flinches at that, hard, and Abby looks sympathetically at her. Before I can stop myself, I reach out, offering a hand on her shoulder and Abby's eyes widen in surprise to find me there. I move a bit closer, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly before releasing my grip and Clarke lets out a long breath before continuing.

"Against my better judgement, I smoothed over relations between the Sky People and all of the Grounder clans. They are rebuilding after war and have no wish to start another with those under the five that took down the Mountain alone."

"Clarke, look-"

"It will be a simple relationship." She talks through Abby. "Peace and trade. I'll let them tell you the exact terms when they get here in three days."

Both adults start in surprise at the short warning and glance a little worriedly at each other. I can't help my own sprig of worry that shoots through me at the sight of the Grounders that will walk through our gates.

"Will we expect them to only speak with you?" Kane asks quickly and Clarke sniffs, lifting her head.

"No. I made sure they agreed to regard the two of you as the Arkers' leaders and to speak with Bellamy on the 47's behalf." Her voice softens towards the end and I swallowed hard at the affection that crept up into her tone.

Kane looks surprised. "You told them of the divide in our camp? That was foolish. And how did-"

"It doesn't matter." Clarke cut him off. "Talk to your Guard, make sure they don't shoot the Grounders on sight, and to start to clear off an area for them in the Camp. They'll be here for a while. I doubt they'll actually want to sleep inside the Camp, but they'll respect and acknowledge the gesture at least."

Kane actually looked like her words affronted him. "Look, Clarke. We appreciate you speaking with us, and on our behalf with the Grounder clans, but you don't have any authority here. Your mother and I make the decisions for this Camp and-"

"No, you listen to me and you listen carefully, _Marcus_." Clarke practically hisses at him and both adults look astonished at the abrupt change in Clarke's demeanor. "Diana Sydney was a prime example of Jaha's God-complex when it came to social classes and I thought in the midst of war, you two had both grown back your consciences. But I _refuse_ to allow you to draw a line in this Camp and discriminate against _my people_! We have survived on the ground _far_ longer and gained much more knowledge of this new world than _you_. I will _not_ allow any of my people to defer to you and your Guard simply because of age!"

" _Your_ people are delinquents!" Kane's voice has finally risen, despite Clarke's, which seemed to get quieter with her vehemence, and I felt my own anger resurfacing as she'd voiced what I'd been trying so hard to get across to the adults for the last three months. "They defied the Exodus Charter-"

"The Exodus Charter was designed in _space_ , Marcus! It was meant to be _harsh_ but _necessary_ for the remaining human population to be able to survive. But look around you! We aren't in space anymore! And the rules that allowed us to continue living, were already breaking because people like _you_ got a power trip when those who were actually brilliant enough to maintain the Ark didn't have enough food tokens to feed their families or were floated for loving the second life growing in their stomach!"

I tried to fight the swell of my heart at the affection behind her passionate words.

"I've already broken my own rule of deciding who lives and dies down here - but I won't allow you to do it to _my_ people!"

Abby looked pained at her daughter and Marcus was shocked but fuming.

"You're just a child!"

"I stopped being a kid the day you sent me and 99 other teenagers down here to die! So start looking for another excuse not to defer your authority to _us_!" She spat at them.

Abby looked like she'd been slapped and Clarke turned on her heel, stopping short at the sight in front of her.

I glanced back to find Lincoln, my sister and Miller in the doorway. It only took a moment but the pride I saw on all three of their faces immediately shut down into guarded expressions. Clarke's eyes darted from them to me and I could see the anxiety in her eyes before she too quickly shut it down and made her way out the door.

I looked back at Kane and Abby, watching them whisper angrily to each other before following her outside. She stood there in the shadow of the ruined Ark for a long moment and I felt the others at my back watching us from metal door. Clarke took a deep breath before turning to me. We were both silent for a few moments, before I finally asked the question bugging me since she'd mentioned it.

"When did they find you?" There was another sigh on her lips before she answered me.

"Day Twenty-Three," she mutters. "A Grounder of the Floukru found me and brought me back to TonDC," she recites in a steady tone. "After a few days, their commander returned and we spoke of the alliance. She was . . . adamant about renewing a treaty with the rest of the clans before their grudges and demands sparked more violence. I only dealt with her once directly, but I spoke with all the other clans and made sure that they leave us in peace on the territory we fell on, and that we trade regularly with them. Mostly advice and guidance for technology and access to the lake." I nodded to her.

"Good." She studied me for a moment.

"I did a lot of things without your permission." She says softly and I can't help but be taken aback at her words. "I agreed to be a diplomatic liaison between our - clans, but I explained that you were in charge of our people." She admitted and I raised an eyebrow to her. "I wasn't sure if you really wanted that or not." I watched her swallow a breath quickly, trying not to reveal anything as she waited for my approval.

"You only spoke the truth." I told her quietly and a brief look of relief crossed her face before she bowed her head to me.

"Alright." She said and quickly turned away, walking in the other direction.

Miller walked up behind me. "What's going on with her?" I asked him and he sighed.

Seemed to be everyone's default lately - sighing.

"Everyone figured out what she was doing at night and nobody's sure how to react to it. I think they're grateful but they want to be respectful to you, so they're trying not to choose sides and instead are just being weirded out and a little irritated that she's taking care of them behind their backs."

"What do you mean respectful to me?" I turn to him and he gives me a knowing look.

"Come on, Bellamy. You know exactly what I mean. Ever since you brought her back, you've been on edge and the rest of the 47 translate that to angry with Clarke, so they're angry with her too. They don't talk directly to her, but around her. They hover to watch that she eats and takes care of herself, but still give her the hardest jobs when she works with them. They don't let her wander in the forest when she's with the hunting and foraging parties, but they keep their distance. They listen to her advice and what she does say, but they don't show that they care either way."

"And she just takes it." I assume and he nods to me. I feel Octavia and Lincoln walk up behind me.

"Wouldn't be the first time," O mutters in my ear.

"Clarke took a break chopping wood earlier and told everyone to meet at the campfire tonight. Apparently, she has something to say."

"Just the 47?" Lincoln asked and Miller nodded.

Suddenly, Conner appeared huffing and panting as he bent over, hands on his knees before looking up at me fearfully.

"Bellamy, quick, one of the guards is after Kelly!" I stiffen at his words.

"Why?" I ask as we quickly turn and hurry around the metal remains of the Ark.

"He thinks she stole his radio and when she denied it he tried to arrest her. The others started defending her and they started fighting with other guards!"

We all turned the corner and started running for the crowd that was starting to circle the five guards and the four delinquents that were fighting each other near the dining area.

One of the guards, Hodgins, jabbed his electric baton towards sixteen-year old Brian who was standing in front of twelve-year old Kelly. He dodged it and instead swung his arm around, catching Hodgins in the collarbone with his fist. He staggered back.

Carson had gotten a hold of sixteen-year old Alan as his partner, Ors thrust his baton out making contact with Alan's side. He spasmed violently in Carson's grip, pain wrought on his features and I broke into a sprint.

Nelson and Phillips were trying to get a hold of fifteen-year old Paul but Kelly kept darting in there kicking them behind their knees and pulling Paul away from the other. Hodgins was back on his feet with his baton back out and was trying to take down Brian again.

"Stop!" I shouted and people turned, rushing to get out of my way. "Hodgins! Stop it!" But they didn't listen to me.

I was about ten yards away when she got there first.

"Enough!" Clarke shouted and the circle of people finally broke unevenly as they cowered away from her wrath that was plain on her face. When the guards and delinquents didn't stop she jumped into action, a flurry of movements as she took down the guards quickly.

She did a handspring, heaving her whole body up til she was actually sitting on Nelson's shoulders and swung her whole body backwards, flipping them both til Nelson was on his back, groaning from the force of being knocked into the ground. Clarke landed evenly on one foot and knee using it to leap up tackling Phillips to the ground. She punched him solidly, effectively breaking his nose so he howled in pain and both his hands came up. Then she grabbed his cuffs from his belt and restrained his wrists before he could even register what was happening, but she kept moving forward.

Clarke grabbed Ors from behind, pushing down on a nerve in his neck and he screamed in pain as he fell to his knees, his muscles locking up. Carson rushed towards her, shoving Paul to the ground as his baton came up and she easily ducked, her hand coming up at an angle and chopping down at an angle on his neck. He gasped in pain and she grabbed his baton, swinging up and shocking his side with it. He curled over.

Hodgins had Brian in a headlock his baton inches away from his abdomen, when she turned to him and his wide eyes were on her.

"Get your hands off my kid!" Clarke actually snarled and Hodgins couldn't help take a step back at the predatory look in her icy blue eyes.

"You assaulted four members of the guard! You're under arrest with the rest of these delinquents!" Hodgins tried staring her down.

"I'm defending my kids, you asshole!" She growled, advancing on him as Hodgins moved away from her.

Nelson and Carson were both groaning and moving to get up. I nodded at Miller and Conner who both moved to hold them down while Lincoln and Octavia stood over Ors and Phillips. Harper ran over to collect Paul and Alan. I stood behind Clarke for support.

"Your kids? They're not yours. Hell, they don't even want you here! Not after you abandoned them!" Hodgins yelled at her but that didn't deter her.

"That doesn't matter! They'll always be _my kids_ , _my people_ , because I sacrificed everything for them to live and nothing you say will ever make that not true." Clarke said forcefully.

"So they just welcomed you back with open arms?" Hodgins asked still stalling, looking around for more guards to come and help him.

"They don't have to! It doesn't matter how angry they are with me or if they don't like what I've done or even if they hate me! They're _my people_! If I keep working for the rest of my life, to take care of them, provide for them, look after them, then I've done my job! Because that's what you do for your people! Unlike you, who left the first chance things got tough." She spat this last part at him.

"Yeah, well _your_ people broke the law!"

"Who told you Kelly took your radio?" I finally spoke from behind her and I saw her posture slacken a bit in ease.

"I saw her lurking around my quarters before it went missing!"

"So you made an assumption! You came here to arrest a twelve-year old girl because you saw her in the same hallway as your radio?"  I couldn't help the disbelief from dripping from my tone of voice as I spoke to him.

"I looked up her file, she was arrested for stealing food on the Ark!"

"And I saw you beat a man on the Ark a year and a half ago. Should I assume that every person who comes into the medbay now with bruises and broken bones was beaten by you?" Clarke asked in a defiant tone.

Hodgins gritted his teeth angrily, tightening his hold on Brian's neck who gasped, clutching at the arm around throat. "I had good reason!"

"Kelly stole food for her starving family! That's not a good reason for you?" Clarke says, the outrage finally making her voice rise to his level. "Release him, now!"

Hodgins stands there shaking his head. He glances back once more to see if reinforcements are coming but Clarke finally makes her move. He yelps as something small and metal was thrown and it slashed Hodgins' arm, tearing at clutch and flesh. His arm dropped as he yelped in pain and Brian scrambled away from the guard, darting behind her.

"You bitch! I'll have you arrested for this!"

He lunged for her and in that moment I tried to step in front to protect her but it didn't matter.

Within seconds he was on the ground with her dagger to his throat. Even from where I was standing, Kelly hiding behind my legs, I could see the fear that finally entered his eyes.

"You're a jackass who knows nothing except bullying people to get his way. It's a miracle you didn't piss off the Grounders when you were marching with them on the mountain, otherwise they would've gutted you where you stood." Clarke says in a deadly calm voice. "But me? I know better. I know that once I bring this to Kane, he'll boot you from the Guard and probably banish you to the other side of the lake where the rest of the wild Reapers are. So I would think hard about the next words that come out of your mouth."

I watch her with narrowed eyes, reveling in the warrior she's become. Despite all the guilt and death she carries, she's a fighter and her sense of justice hasn't been diminished. Unfortunately that sense of justice might be what gets her killed in the end.

"What is going on here?" Kane has finally arrived with four of the Guard. "Clarke, get off him! Now!"

Her eyes don't leave Hodgins' face as she speaks to him. "This man here accused one of my kids of stealing without any proof and tried to arrest her. And when my people defended her, he gathered your precious Guard and beat them!"

"We were gonna agh-" Hodgins' voice died off as she pressed her knife harder into his throat.

"Clarke!" Kane barks, but she shakes her head, still not looking at him.

"I told you not thirty minutes ago that your laws from space won't apply down here and this is what it's resulted in! Hodgins here obviously forgot that he and the rest of his squad turned in their radios to Sinclair and Wick for tuning up three days ago and then took it out on my people!"

She flattened the blade against Hodgins' throat and stood up, putting her weight on his stomach so he was out of breath when he rolled over to scramble to his feet.

"This ever happens again, I'll punish your people myself!" She tells Kane bitterly.

Clarke sheaths her dagger, slipping her smaller weapon back into a hidden pocket I hadn't seen lined into her right sleeve. She tugs on Brian's arm so that he follows her and she puts her arm around Alan, to support him, nodding at Paul who knows to trail after her too. She meets my gaze and we both glance down at Kelly who's clinging to my waist. She cocks her head in question with an eyebrow raised and I shake my head. She gives Kelly a small reassuring smile and together she and the three boys walk towards the medbay.

Kane turns to me looking at the scene in front of him. "She did this?" He asks and I nod to him.

"I'd keep that in mind the next time one of your Guard tries to take advantage of my people!" I tell him coldly, taking Kelly's hand in mine and nod to the others. Conner and Miller stand up and with Lincoln and Octavia, we head over to a small clearing before our tents.

"Kelly, are you okay?" Octavia asks the younger girl and the shy redhead glances up nodding.

"Can you thank Clarke for me?" She asks O meekly. "I didn't mean to cause trouble for her and the guards!"

"Oh, Kelly! It's not your fault the guards are just big and stupid and forgetful. I'm sure Clarke knows it's not your fault. But if you really want to thank her, why don't you head over with Jasmine and tell her yourself?" Octavia says sweetly and Kelly beams up at her.

"Okay!" She goes running off to the tents to find Jasmine.

Miller turns to me and opens his mouth. "Did you know she was capable of that?" I ask him and he quickly shakes his head.

"Do you mind having someone cover my shift? I was gonna go and keep an eye on her." He says and I nod my head.

He hurries after Clarke. Lincoln and my sister shift closer.

"The way she moved . . . she trained with someone." I observe and Lincoln nods to me.

"I've passed Walker in his travels and I know he's learned from some of the best warriors in the other clans. He's obviously taught her much when they met during her time away." He says and Octavia huffs.

"Jealous?" I can't help chiding her and she elbows me in the gut. I chuckle at her antics before glancing towards the medbay where Clarke disappeared to.

At least she still has that fire in her. I don't realize I said that out loud until I find Octavia is watching me with sympathetic eyes.

"Come on, we have to collect a few things before the campfire tonight." I tell them and we walk off as I list what we'll need.


	15. First Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's apologies are finally brought about, and she initiates the first steps towards starting anew somewhere else with her people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I haven't updated in a while. I've been stuck with knowing where I want this to go, but not exactly knowing how to get it there. It took a few drafts but I hope you enjoy this chapter. I think I'm definitely on a roll, so look for another chapter within the next week or so.
> 
> As always. Please leave comments and critiques. I love feedback and I'm still a brand new fanfic author, so I welcome all input and opinions. :D
> 
> Thanks!

**Bellamy**

 

As the sun begins setting, I try hard to push past the unease of the day's events. Past the nightly comforting, the day trip into the forest, the confrontation with Abby and Kane, the skirmish with the Guard. Within the span of sixteen hours it feels like it's been three weeks. All because of her. Because of Clarke.

She's her own force of nature. I don't know when she'll ever stop being a whirling tornado of conflict and confrontations.

I almost hope she doesn't stop.

Miller had kept an eye on Clarke since she disappeared into the medbay a few hours ago. Brian, Alan and Paul had been in there for about a half hour before they trudged out looking properly bandaged and abashed. It was easy to assume she'd scolded them for directly defying the Guard but I knew that somewhere in there was pride that they had banded together to protect Kelly.

The girl in question had found the golden-haired thirteen year old, Jasmine and those two had also headed into the medbay for a few minutes before quickly returning to their laundry tasks with soft shy smiles chattering easily. I'd tried to stay close to the fence to keep an eye on the restless Guard, but I made sure that I was in the clearing close to the 47's tents which had a better view of the whole Camp, including the doors to the medbay. But that didn't last long when Octavia came back telling me who I needed to speak with to finish putting my scheme into place.

It's only when I leave Raven and Wick's workshop that Clarke seeks me out. I was on my way to check on Octavia and her end of my plan when Clarke caught up with me outside.

I felt her touch on my arm and halted in my tracks, seeing her standing there nervously. She took a deep breath before she began to speak.

"Hey Bellamy, can we talk?" I pause for only a second before nodding my head.

I lead her to my tent and let her walk inside, watching her take in the small desk I'd built set up in one corner, my makeshift bed in the other and laundry and random books spread about. Her eyes lit briefly as they landed on the spare books I'd scrounged up from a few of the bunkers we'd explored before turning to me.

"What is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

Her anxiety seems heightened in the small space but she stands up straight, staring me right in the eye.

"First off, I wanted to apologize." That startles me a bit.

"Apologize?" I can't help interrupting her and she huffs a bit, annoyed. I can't help biting back a grin at the familiarity of the temporary light-hearted camaraderie.

"Bellamy."

I school my face quickly and adopt a sort of contrite expression that she shakes her head at again before squaring her shoulders.

"This is important."

I nod my head quickly and wait for her to continue.

"I know I have no right to ask for your forgiveness but I wanted to at least say, I'm sorry." I can't help the breath that I suck in.

"I'm sorry . . . for everything. Since I returned from the mountain, I took the lead position in dealing with the Grounders and made sure that I made the majority of the decisions in creating an alliance between them. An alliance that paid too large a price." She let out a shaky breath. "I traded Finn's life for the Arkers. I sent you to the mountain only for them to capture and torture you."

I started at that. "How did you-"

"I saw the cages for myself and . . . Anya told me what they did to her." She cut me off briskly with a strange look on her face.

I nodded slowly to her before she continued. "I didn't tell anyone about the missile aimed for TonDC." She glanced away from me. "I left your sister to die."

"Clarke-"

"I trusted Lexa." She continued in a small voice and I shut my mouth at the mention of the Grounder Commander. "I trusted her when all my instincts were telling me not to. I let her get into my head and fill my mind with strategies and ideas that I knew you would immediately disapprove. I let her in and pushed you away. I let her put me in the position where I - we, had to kill hundreds of people. And then I walked away from you and everyone else. I left you to deal with _our_ people, when I should have stayed here and helped you _heal_ our people. I abandoned you and Octavia and Raven and Jasper and everyone because I couldn't live with the blood on my hands. I was selfish and you had to pay the price. And for that I'm sorry. I'm so, _so_ sorry." Her voice is tiny and cracks on the last three words as her head drops so I can't see her face anymore.

It's silent in my tent. Her eyes are trained on her feet and I make a quick decision. I step forward her head snaps up and I can see the tears threatening to fall.

I'm still furious. I can feel the anger right there, just simmering beneath my skin, but her words speak to it on a deeper level. I know I'll feel that anger for a long time, but the relief that she's here, that she's in my tent, apologizing for everything, that she's acknowledging everything she's done, all the acts of war she committed, she's facing it all . . . facing me. It's small, but it's a step in the right direction, for her own self-healing, and one for me too.

But before I can offer any comfort I see her steel herself, the tears quickly disappearing as a blank expression falls onto her face.

"I asked you to take care of our people when I left and you've done beyond what I even imagined what you'd do. You didn't have to listen to me. But you did and I wanted to thank you for that."

"Of course I did, Clarke." She swallows hard before looking up at me again.

"So I know I have no right to ask this of you, but . . ." She pauses, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I organized the 47 to meet at the campfire tonight. I wanted to speak to them. To apologize as well, but to talk to them about possibly moving on from Camp Jaha." Her eyes dart up to mine before flickering around the rest of my tent.

I'm surprised, to say the least. But more at the fact that she's asking my permission. With my thoughts, racing, I try to think about it all rationally before I nod to her.

"It's a good idea. Nobody might have acknowledged it to you, but we all know who visited the mountain and cleaned it out for us. And our people have been taking regular trips out to the Dropship every week. We got all your little gifts." I tell her softly.

She stares up at me with a guarded expression on her face and then looks down, brows furrowed in thought, wetting her lips with her tongue before tugging her lower one between her teeth, drawing my attention to it.

"That's good." She mutters absentmindedly before glancing back up at me with a determined look in her eyes. "I know that we have a lot of issues, Bellamy, and I have a lot of work to do to regain your and the rest of our peoples' trust. But I want you to know, unless someone asks me to leave, I'm not going anywhere."

I almost smile, seeing the familiar fire behind those blue orbs gazing up at me. "Understood." I tell her simply.

"Okay." She relaxes a bit but doesn't lose the fire behind her eyes as she moves towards my desk in the corner, eyeing some of the papers and plans laid out there. "I think that our people need a break from the Camp work." She says turning back around to me.

I cock an eyebrow up at that. "What do you mean?"

"I think today's fight has more than proved that the adults and the rest of the Arkers still think of us as criminals." My heart leaps a bit at the word  _us_. "They don't care about us, they care about what we _do_ for them. Practically all of our people are leading the hunting and foraging parties every other day and Jasper's team is far ahead of the Arkers' in constructing the dining hall and cabins. _Our_ people are the ones doing all the dirty work in building a society for the Arkers."

She glanced down at the plumbing plans for showers and bathrooms that Raven and another Arker, Hal had been working on drawing up and start to put into effect.

"They've already been, slowly, reintroducing coin as wage for the more - favorable jobs." Her face twisted into disgust at the words and I felt my own mirroring hers. "Guard work, hunting, bunker searches - all of those people are given more coins compared to those who are farming, or fixing the quarters in Ark, constructing, cooking, sewing, cleaning. All so they can pay for rations and new clothes and small supplies. But I've been keeping track how much they give our people and they're not giving them equal amounts the Arkers are. They're purposefully forcing a class line between the jobs and our people."

"So what exactly are you proposing?" I ask Clarke. She hesitates before continuing.

"Well, it depends. How much food and supplies and weapons have you guys stashed at the Dropship?" I calculate in my head quickly.

"Enough to get us and our families through winter." I tell her and she nods.

"It might be time to move on." She suggests.

I take a deep breath, thinking it over. I'd been keeping a close eye on our people as well as their families and I'd noticed the same thing in their coin payment. They weren't being paid nearly as much as the Arkers and I'd known for a while that they were taking advantage of our Earth knowledge and weren't paying us the appreciation we deserved.

"I think you're right." I said after a long moment. She lets out the breath I hadn't realized she'd been holding and nods.

"I wanted to talk to them tonight, give them a choice to relax for a few days, refuse work, and instead collect their things and talk to whoever wants to come with and then leave in a few days."

"After the Grounders come." I accuse and Clarke hardens her gaze.

"Yes." She says quietly, watching my carefully. I mull it over, pacing back and forth in front of my bed before coming to stand in front of her.

"Alright."

"I don't want to take leadership away from you Bellamy." Clarke says quickly. "But I want to stand with you tonight and go over the plan with the rest of our people."

I nod slowly. "Okay. We do this together." She gives me a small smile at that and turns to walk away.

"Clarke!" She spins around slowly, "I'm sorry too." She frowns in confusion. "I understand why you left. I've always understood the reasons behind your choices, but I'm sorry for judging you for them, like everyone else around here. You always do what you have to do to protect our people. That's who you are." I repeat familiar words back to her and for the first time since she's been back I see her gaze soften and a look of vulnerability cross her face, before it quickly disappears. She gives me a short nod before leaving my tent.

I sigh heavily, sinking onto my bed of furs, letting my head drop into my hands for a few minutes before running my fingers through the long curls falling over my eyes and standing back up. I still have work to do, before we talk to the 47 later.

It's only after it's grown dark and everyone has had their dinner that I find Clarke standing by the fire closest to the 47's tents. I stand next to her without a word, waiting patiently as our people trickle into the clearing, surrounding the crackling flames, looking intently at the two of us.

Octavia and Lincoln stand a little off to the side to our right, watching intently. They aren't the only ones. Raven is standing closer to us on our left with Wick standing behind her, bracing her weight.

Clarke waits til Will and Trina finish whispering in the back before she turns to me. I give her a brief nod and she begins to speak.

"There's something I should've said to you all as soon as I walked through those gates two weeks ago . . . I'm sorry." Everyone shifts around the fire, murmuring and shuffling their feet in surprise. "I'm sorry that I left you in that mountain, alone. I'm sorry that it took so long to get back to you and out of that mountain. I'm sorry that I killed the people that hid you and saved you from their president and his scientists. And I'm sorry that I walked away from you once you were safe. Since we left the Dropship, I've made a lot of mistakes. Mistakes that caused too many deaths. And I have to live with that guilt. I didn't know how to deal with that. But in doing so, I hurt you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you heal. All I can do now, is ask that one day you can forgive me, and give me the chance to earn back your trust."

The murmuring turned to whispers and small smiles and I had to bite back my own smile at her heartfelt apology.

"I spoke with Bellamy earlier and with some of the preparations we've both made outside this Camp, I'd like to offer you guys the chance to leave. To return to where we first landed and amongst our friends and enemies laid there, rebuild our home."

She turned to me and I nodded, stepping up beside her. "Ever since we got down here on the ground, we've been fighting tooth and nail to survive and for the chance to live our own lives free of the Ark and their rules. We _all_ made mistakes, but we created something good back at the Dropship. We made a home . . . a family."

I take a breath, looking around at the 47.

"We've been back here at Camp Jaha for two months, and your knowledge - that you learned through battle and hardship - are being taken advantage of while they still try to live by the Exodus Charter. We were delinquents on the Ark. But here on the ground, we've made our own place as warriors and survivors, all the while the Arkers lay around working the easy jobs while we _slave_ over building _them_ a society. We've shown them how to get by, now it's time to think of ourselves and what _we_ deserve. We have the supplies and the tools now at the Dropship. We are better prepared than when we first came down three months ago. It's time to go home."

Everyone cheers loudly as they crowd around the campfire, surging forward to ask questions and offer suggestions as to how and when we will go back.

"Is Clarke gonna be in charge with you, again?" Someone calls out and everyone suddenly quiets down. I glance at her sideways, not sure how to answer.

"Despite our first impressions of each other, my time as war councilor is over. In my time away, I have learned a lot and will always be here to offer guidance and advice. But Bellamy is our true leader. He has stepped up in so many ways and I know that under his rule, we will succeed in building ourselves better lives in peace." She says very diplomatically.

"Is it true you made another treaty with the Grounders?" Another voice comes across and I'm the only one close enough to her that sees Clarke stiffen and swallow hard.

She sighs before answering evenly. "Yes. Against my better judgement, I made sure that if and when we ever cross those of the other thirteen clans, they would leave us alone. We have fought long and hard enough against the Trikru as well as those from the mountain that we deserve to never have to fight in a war again. An embassy of Grounders will arrive here within the next few days and will solidify simple trade agreements with the Arkers, but also with us. You won't have to deal with them directly, I've made sure of that. For now though, collect your things, speak with your loved ones and meet back here in five days time."

Clarke looks over at me and I nod in agreement with her.

"Alright! It's been a long day. Everyone get some sleep and those of you on guard duty, get to your posts! If you have any questions, come speak to me or Clarke. Understood?"

An assortment of mumbles and answers is heard over the crackling campfire and they begin to disperse to their tents. I can't help the smile I've been biting back since the beginning, from taking over.

"Clarke, wait!" I reach for her arm and she turns back. I can feel the shiver that runs through her. "There's something I want to show you." I tell her and gently tug her along with me.

I drag her along with me around the campfire, towards my tent. We stumble inside together and I turn to her.

"What is it?" She asks me. "What did you want to show me?"

"I'm sorry, Clarke." I tell her, staring past her to Raven.

She notes my gaze and starts to spin. I grab her shoulders and Raven reaches up stabbing the needle into the side of the princess' neck, pressing the plunger down to flush her system with a sedative. Clarke staggers out of my grasp, falling to all fours. Her head turns, rising a few inches to look at us.

"No!" She whispers, the pain and fear clear in her blue eyes. "Bellamy, don't make me sleep. They'll get me. They won't let me go." She whimpers and she tries to reach up but instead loses balance, falling on her back, eyes fluttering closed, even as she tries to fight to stay awake.

"I'm sorry, princess." I whisper, kneeling down next to her and brushing her hair out of her face. "We can't have you keep hurting yourself and forcing yourself to stay awake. It's not healthy."

Her eyes finally close and her breaths slow to an even pace. I squint up at Raven.

"We made the right choice." She tells me. "Abby bought my excuse, but we'll have to be careful to make sure we avoid suspicion." She carefully sits on my bed of furs and I pick up Clarke's limp form, lying her next to Raven.

"I hope so." I mutter, worrying about Clarke's ghost haunting her dreams and causing her nightmares.


	16. Her True Form

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The others finally see Clarke in all her scars and shame and take the first step in trying to heal her physically and emotionally. But the Camp has some visitors that will throw off their plan of action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for my three month stint of not updating! I've been so blocked it's not even funny. I have this clear picture of where I want things to go, but I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out how to get my story to where I want it to. Part of this is just filler, part slow movement towards where the plot line will eventually go.
> 
> I promised myself I would at least finish this chapter as a somewhat apology/Christmas gift for you guys.  
> Again, sorry for not updating in so long.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy it. I'd love any and all feedback. Any comments or critique are welcome.

**Bellamy**

 

Lincoln stepped into my tent followed swiftly by Octavia. I gestured towards my desk where there was a small bowl of water and cloth and he immediately grabbed it, hurrying and stooping over Clarke's still form. Raven shuffled herself towards the edge of the bed where she could watch without getting in the way.

She looked pale in the small light from my lantern in the corner and I tried not to hover over Lincoln's shoulder as he examined the eighteen year old in front of him.

He was carefully stripping Clarke from her jacket, sliding it out from under her and draping it onto the ground for him to kneel on comfortably. Raven tugged off Clarke's boots and socks, rolling up her trouser legs and paused.

"Huh." Octavia and I both turned toward her and Raven pointed at what looked like fur lining the inside of her pants.

"Smart. We'll have to do that with our clothes closer to winter." I say absentmindedly.

Lincoln didn't even look up as he wiped Clarke's face and neck and shoulders with a wet cloth.

"She must not be getting enough sleep. Look at the circles under her eyes. She's deliberately covering them up with some sort of paste." He said quietly.

The man continued cleaning Clarke, removing her shirt and wiping down her torso and chest with the wet cloth. Each new swipe removing what had seemed to be dirt instead was a cream of some sort, revealing her pale skin littered with scars all over her body. Each new puckered pink curving line uncovered, I could feel my chest tightening in anticipation and a lump formed in my throat that made it hard to swallow.

When he had finished wiping down her legs as well and finished turning her over and wiping down her back as well, I let out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding.

Her figure was thin, her ribs prominent and her face pale and gaunt. She had two large parallel scars curving across the back of her left shoulder, rippled pale pink and white marks on her right hip where it looked like she'd been burned - the skin across her palms matching it - one long scab across her calf looked like it was still healing, three fresh cuts below her ribs - two of which looked infected - and at least five horizontal scars across each of her forearms.

Lincoln removed a small pouch from beneath his jacket removing some herbs and what looked like a clean knife and immediately set to work on the newer wounds. He motioned me forward.

"She's under because of the sedative but it was a small dosage and her body will still feel the pain, I need you to keep her down while I try to cut away the infected flesh." He said quietly and my stomach clenched tightly at his words. I moved around so I stared down at her face upside down, and put my hands on her bare shoulders. I nodded to him and Lincoln reached forward towards my cup of moonshine I still had leftover from last night. He poured it over his knife, making sure to disinfect it before he took a deep breath, setting down the now half-filled cup and moving over her.

Clarke's body tensed as he cut into her wounds, reopening them and slicing away the ugly yellow and purple skin. Blood flowed freely down her right side and Octavia immediately moved forward with an extra cloth to sop it up, wiping away the trails and gently maneuvering around Lincoln's hands.

It only took a few minutes but Clarke was already squirming under his touch, whimpering from the pain and her dreams. I closed my eyes, leaning forward til my forehead met her right cheek and reached my arms out til they banded together clutching her own arms to her sides and kept my weight there as I murmured softly to her.

"I'm sorry, Clarke. I'm so sorry. It's gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. It's gonna take a long time, but eventually you will move past this. We will all move past this. But first you have to let me in. You have let someone in. You don't have to go this alone. You can let me help you. You can let us help you. Let me help you, Clarke. Please, just don't shut me out again. Don't shut us out. We're okay. We're gonna be okay."

I kept murmuring those words over and over into her ear softly as Lincoln worked and it took a few moments but she finally relaxed under my breath as he finished working on her cuts, bandaging them when he was done.

"So what do we do now?" Raven asked as we all stared at the blonde's still form.

"We let her sleep." I told them quietly and ushered them out of my tent.

"Bellamy-" Octavia started but I shook my head at her.

"I'm going to sleep on the floor. I'll get up later in the night to check on the rest of the kids. Wake up early and I'll meet you guys out here so we can discuss what we're going to do with Clarke."

"I thought you wanted her to come and speak with me in the morning, to help her therapeutically." Lincoln said in his gruff tone and I nodded.

"I do, but I want a better plan to keep an eye on her and any of the weapons she normally keeps on her person." I explained and everyone nodded to me.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Wick about ten yards away, patiently waiting for us to be done. "Rae," Octavia nodded her head towards Wick and she turned with a small smile on her face.

"I guess, I'll see you guys in the morning." She said and slowly walked over to Wick.

Lincoln shook my hand after Octavia hugged me goodnight and they each took their leave as well. I headed back into my tent and slid a few furs at the foot of my bedroll onto the floor, laying out next to her, just watching until I could drift off.

I woke to crying and restless moving not two feet away from me.

"No, please! Don't! B-bell! Please!"

I sat up quickly, leaning over Clarke's twitching frame, staring worriedly down at her tear-streaked guilt-ridden face, her entire body trembling forcing the furs to slip down. I grabbed them, pulling them back over her torso and grabbed her.

"Clarke. Clarke! Wake up! It's just a dream!" I gently shook her.

She sat up gasping as her eyes fluttered open, her hands immediately gripping my own arms. It took a few moments but she blinked her dream away rapidly, seeming to take in my appearance and sink into reality quickly. Her hands dropped away from me and I knew she was forcing whatever nightmare it was away to replace it with the anger that was about to settle in.

Within seconds she was out of the bed and shaking, though with fury or lingering fear, I wasn't completely sure.

"Clarke-" I started, standing up slowly but her head was already shaking from side to side as she stepped away from me.

"No! Don't you dare!"

"Clarke, look at me." She was still weak and groggy from the sedative and I tried to take advantage of that, moving closer and stretching for her but she stumbled out of my reach, trying to blink away the sleep still clinging to her.

"No! Stop it! Bellamy, don't!" She raised her hands but I caught her and pulled her into me.

"Clarke, it's okay!"

"No! Let go of me! Bellamy, let go!" She struggled, beating her fists against my chest as she tried to wrestle herself away from me, but I refused to release her. "Stop it!"

The months of exhaustion and pain and grief seemed to finally catch up to her. Her sobs wracked her body and mine as she finally gave in, letting me cradle her against my chest and soak my shirt with her tears.

"It's gonna be okay," I kept murmuring to her, "You're gonna be okay."

I don't know how long we stood there, but once the steady flood of tears seemed to stop, I gently walked her back towards my bedroll, guiding her back under the blankets and furs. But when I went to stand up, she whimpered and tightened her grip on me. I couldn't help the sigh that escaped my lips, my heart tightening at her sleepy yet fearful face.

"Please, Bellamy." She whispered. "I don't want them to hurt you again." I closed my eyes, my heart constricting at that and crawled in next to her, drawing her into my arms so that her head was nestled into the crook of my neck, her breaths slowly returning to a rhythmic warmth and her thin curves leaning against my torso.

The next time I woke, she was gone from my bed. I cursed softly as I quickly slipped on my shoes and ran my fingers through my hair as I rushed outside.

I found her walking away from the dining area with Caleb, a tan fifteen year old sandy-haired kid, and his girlfriend, Patricia, a slim pretty black-haired girl his own age.

Her hair was pulled away from her face in a single loose braid, her pale skin contrasting the dark circles under her eyes and the coloring around her wrists. She wasn't wearing the coverup paste that she'd been hiding behind since she'd come back. I'd made sure to Lincoln before we examined her that he grab whatever Clarke was using to hide her scars from and he'd agreed easily.

"I just didn't get a lot of sleep from last night." The golden-haired eighteen year old was saying as I drew nearer. "Had a lot to think about with everything we've discussed and what needs to be planned."

"You always were the best with that." Patricia smiled and turned away towards the group gathering close to the fence. There was something happening. Guards were keeping people back, but there was some sort of commotion, some loud noises and sounds coming from outside.

My eyes met Clarke's brilliantly blue ones and the tired tenseness in them hardened. I fought not to shiver at the iciness she was directing towards me with her gaze.

She shook her head slightly and I knew that we still had a fight brewing between us that needed to be hashed out later. But right now, we both needed to understand what was happening.

She said her goodbyes to Caleb and Patricia and together, we walked over to the gate. She kept a good distance between us but by the time we reached the rest of the Agro workers that passed the gate to get to the gardens and some of the Guard, she'd moved a bit closer, standing by my side as we realized there was a group of Grounders approaching the Camp some fifteen meters out.

For the first time since she'd returned, I reacted faster than she did.

"Someone get Kane and Abby! And everyone keep moving! The Grounders are not here as our enemies, they are here to hammer out a truce! I don't want you all worrying about something that we are taking care of! Despite everything that has happened, we are not enemies and we are done fighting! We will let you all what is happening by the end of today!" I stood there watching as most people nodded, ducking their heads and continue walking off to their jobs, the Guard watched Clarke and I carefully though.

I waited til the Grounders were within hearing range before barking orders at the Guard. "Lower your weapons! Open the gate!"

Together, Clarke and I watched as three Grounders turned to their party of about fifteen and spoke quickly in their language. Then the same three moved forward to approach our open doors. Clarke twitched at my side and I couldn't stop my eyes from sliding over to her tense stance and emotionless face.

It wasn't until they were all standing just a few feet from the entrance of the camp that I realized the three were all women. Two of whom I recognized.

Lexa was standing there between the other two women, dressed down in a simple shirt and trousers with leather boots and protecting her from the biting morning cold and a sword strapped to her waist. The only other weapons were a dagger opposite her sword and what I could see was the hilt of a knife protruding from her boot. Her hair twisted back around her head.

The second woman, I recognized from Mount Weather. She had been caged with me, had understood my words once Maya had helped me escape my bonds. She'd helped me strangle the man, Lovejoy.

"Echo." All three women turned to look at me when I realized her name escaped my lips and the bronze-skinned woman allowed just the hint of a smile to cross her lips in greeting before it disappeared. She was dressed similarly to Lexa in plain clothes with only a few weapons distinguished on her person, much more clean and pretty than when I'd last seen her. The only difference was her ebony hair was braided back intricately on one side, while the rest cascaded down her right shoulder in shining waves.

The third woman was only a few years older than me, and as dark skinned as the woman who'd claimed Octavia as a Second, Indra. She was beautiful in her own way with sharp features and intelligent emerald eyes that darted between me and Clarke.

"Klok kom Skaikru, it is good to see you, again." Lexa spoke evenly, her face betraying nothing. Even with a good foot between us, I could feel my partner (she fell easily back into that role) stiffen.

"I can't say the same, Commander." She bit out. Lexa didn't even flinch.

"We are here to finish settling the details of the treaties we entailed between our people." Echo spoke up, looking directly at Clarke.

"Yes, we were expecting you." I said shortly and I heard a soft sigh at my elbow.

"Your people are more than welcome to come in and rest, I'm sure you've had a long travel the last few days." Clarke said cooly but Lexa shook her head.

"That is not necessary. We will pitch our tents in the forest, about thirty meters in." She said and Clarke relaxed just a bit more.

Abby and Kane finally arrived, stepping in front of us.

"You are here early." I struggled not to roll my eyes at Kane's obvious greeting.

"Yes, we are most anxious about fine tuning the technicalities of our treaty." Lexa replied and he stepped aside, gesturing for the three women to come in. "This is Heda Echo kom Floukru and her companion Reyna. We were invited by the ambassador of your people, Clarke."

"Well, you know our leaders, as well. Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake, Abigail Griffin, and myself, Marcus Kane. Though you can call my Kane. By all means, why don't you come on in. Your warriors are more than welcome to rest their feet inside our walls and mingle with our people, provided they hand off any of their weapons to our Guard to be collected until you leave." Kane said easily with a smile and Lexa tensed on the threshold of the Camp before Echo slid off her armband sheathing a knife. She let her weapons fall to the ground before turning and gesturing back towards their own companions still standing within the treelike.

One by one, they all stepped forward, pausing at the gate and dropping their weapons into neat piles before stepping into the camp with short words from their leaders.

"I have about five of my people who will stay with our camp in the trees. They will stay there to scout and keep an eye on any predators or visitors." Lexa explained simply and Kane nodded.

"Of course, whenever you are ready, we can continue any discussion involving the treaty and it's terms Clarke mentioned, you may join Abby and myself in our council chambers inside of the Ark."

"Clarke and Bellamy will not be included in these negotiations?" Lexa asked with narrowed eyes and I stopped forward immediately.

"Of course, I will. Clarke explained to us simply of the truce she had negotiated with the rest of the clans, but did not specify what terms. We can explore those in more detail in private, whenever you are ready. But please, let yourselves rest from your journey, eat and relax. Those you are familiar with in our Camp, you can catch up with and I'm sure that once discussions are underway, Clarke will outline what you have already discussed and then Kane, Abby and myself will easily arrange what is left."

I could feel Kane's disapproving eyes on my face and Abby's calculating gaze on my back but Clarke wasn't staring at me. She was watching the treelike expectantly as if she was watching for someone else specifically.

"That sounds . . . reasonable." Lexa said suspiciously and I couldn't help the small zing of pleasure I got from her distinct uneasiness at my pleasant tone and words. I knew she'd been expecting the exact opposite when I'd opened my mouth to start talking.

The three women filed through the gate at last, Echo and Reyna both exchanging smiles with Clarke before heading towards the group of seven warriors standing in the middle of the Camp, watching the rest of the Ark citizens slow their work and linger in the clearing to nervously watch the Grounders.

Lexa tried to catch Clarke's gaze, but she turned on the older leader abruptly, staring decidedly away from her. Lexa sighed before walking past the blonde and heading towards her people as well. They spoke shortly in their fluid language and I realized she must be laying down ground rules by the way some of her warriors were shifting angrily and frustratedly on their feet, hands twitching easily towards where their weapons used to hand on their waists and limbs.

"We need to talk." The four furious words were directed at me and I sighed, realizing that Clarke wasn't going to let go of what had happened last night.

"I know." I told her simply and met her accusing glare.

"We'll do it later, but this isn't going away, Bellamy." She said in a harsh low tone and I nodded my agreement.

"I know, Clarke. But right now we have some guests that aren't going anywhere any time soon." I reminded her softly.

She watched me before giving a short huff and then turned to the two adults who were conversing in soft whispers to each other.

"Give your people a day or two off so they can interact with the Grounders and get used to them. Even after everything that's happened, we need to integrate them into our lives and make sure that everyone knows that the Grounders aren't going away. They need to see them as allies in the long run and once we survive the next forty-eight hours without any provocation or fight, we might just have a small chance of having a future where we won't need to fight the twelve other clans for the rest of our lives."

Kane and Abby exchanged a look before nodding.

"It's a good idea, but remember Clarke, you are not in charge here. We are." Her mother told her gently. Clarke scoffed and turned away.

"Make sure your Guard do not experiment with their weapons and that none of them go missing. I don't care where you put them, but when the Grounders leave, all their belongings will be returned to them accordingly and any incidents that may or may not occur will _not_ be caused by any of our people or there will be consequences." She said shortly before walking away.

"The Arkers still look up to you," I told the two adults glancing away from Clarke to me. "They will follow you, so do as she says. It's in everyone's best interest if everything comes together with whatever they are offering. Don't screw this up." I said and turned away from them as well.

"We need to keep an eye on her." Octavia caught up with me as I strode across the clearing to speak with Echo and I nodded to my sister.

"I didn't get to speak with her this morning, and I know she didn't see Lincoln either." I told O and she nodded simply.

"I know. But we'll make it work. Lincoln's got a few ideas now that the Trikru is here, some of the ones she's close might be willing to-"

"No, we keep this between _us_. _Our_ circle."

"Alright. Understood, big brother." Octavia walked away towards some of the Trikru standing in the clearing and a few of them moved forward, recognizing Indra's Second and greeted her eagerly.

"Well, this'll be fun." I couldn't help muttering to myself before I moved towards where Clarke disappeared into the Ark.


	17. Her Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke reacts to the newcomers to Camp as well and manages to scold Bellamy - if only for a short time - for his kidnapping and drugging of her.
> 
> But Bellamy is there for her in more than one way, no matter her temper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, sorry, sorry!
> 
> I've been so busy with work and finishing classes and looking for a better job that I've been stuck on the last chapter for a while.
> 
> But for the most part, here you go. Next chapter and Clarke definitely makes some progress with Bellamy.
> 
> By the way, I might've gotten a bit too sappy at the end here with Bellamy and Clarke.
> 
> Anyways, please - I love any and all comments and critique!
> 
> Thanks!

**Clarke**

 

I nodded my head in greeting to Floukru members, Quint and Trey as I passed them, I would catch up with them later. Right now, there was someone I had to speak with.

"Commander, I wanted an audience with you, before you settle in." I said cooly, intentionally not wording it as a question.

Lexa raised her eyes to look me over quickly before giving a short nod. I shook my head at her personal guard, Loa and he hesitated before Lexa leaned over and whispered in his ear. Echo immediately moved forward with Reyna and I nodded before turning and heading towards the Ark.

The Arkers moved out of our way easily, though I noticed a few stiffen and give dirty looks to the Grounders trailing after me. By the time I'd opened the door to the old council chambers, I knew that everyone in the Camp was aware I was speaking to the Grounder Commander who'd betrayed them at Mount Weather.

"What happened?" I cut right to the point when the door swung shut.

"What do you me-"

"Cut the crap, Lexa. I explicitly told you I didn't want you anywhere near Camp Jaha when you had people come to negotiate the terms of our treaty. You said you would send these two with some guards and no one else."

Lexa sighed. "There have been some difficulties settling the last of the trade agreements although everyone has agreed to the school. I only wanted to journey with Echo and Reyna to see how far along your people have come in building up your community."

"No, you wanted to see if I was back by now." I accused her hotly and she opened her mouth to protest but Echo got there first.

"The Azgeda want you."

Everyone in the room froze.

I sighed, knowing it had been coming. "I figured as much. I met with Wes before I left and he was adamant about becoming a warrior. Kai mentioned that he would be willing to teach me everything I needed to know as their healer. Plus, Queen Nia would have the Wanheda as a trophy to intimidate the other clans." I finished bitterly.

"I didn't realize you knew the title our people have given you." Lexa said lightly.

"What? The Commander of Death?" I asked in a monotone.

"What about your own people?" Reyna asked me, drawing me out of my own thoughts.

"They won't want me to leave again and so soon after returning." I said absentmindedly.

I had intended on coming back one way or another, if only to say a proper goodbye to the people I cared about, but with my promise to Bellamy, I realized that I was going to have to face the consequences of my decisions, sooner rather than later.

"Your people are extremely loyal to you, I have no doubt that they will start another war in order to try and keep you with them." Echo said and I nodded sadly to her.

"You're probably right, and I have a few thoughts on how to take care of this." I told them. "But we have bigger things to deal with, don't we?" I asked them and Echo nodded slowly as Lexa stood up straight.

"Nia and her people are creating discourse among the other clans, trying to turn them against my position of power."

"They keep planting seeds of doubt in the people's heads that they can't trust Lexa since she betrayed an alliance with your people once already." Reyna explained.

"And you want me to come back with you and calm the waters. Make sure Lexa keeps her role as Commander." I conclude.

"No, we can handle that, but there are other things to consider. You practically orchestrated the entire treaty of the thirteen clans, I believe that with your appearance in Polis, we can make an example of your sacrifices and settle all conflict about any hard feelings between you and the Commander." Echo explained.

"No." I said and all three women stared at me. "I told you once and I'll tell you again, I refuse to be used as a pawn in your political problems among the clans. I am only a diplomatic ambassador between the Skaikru and the rest of your people."

"But your status will change regardless if you go with Nia and the rest of her people to stay with the Azgeda and be their healer." Reyna protested.

"Not if my plan works." I told her. "I might have offered myself as a healer to the Azgeda and train with Kai, but I made a promise to Bellamy and my people that I would not leave them willingly. We are moving out of Camp Jaha to rebuild our settlement at the Dropship." I told them and Lexa shook her head at me.

"You don't have time for that, Clarke. We need to move quickly if you want to hash out the details of the treaty with your people and speak with Nia before she decides to just take you herself."

"I understand that, Lexa." I fought to keep control of my temper. "Which is why you are going to send one of your people now as a messenger that I will meet Nia in TonDC within six days to propose an amendment of our deal."

"She won't agree to that." Echo argued but I shook my head.

"She will because she respects me. Whatever trouble she is causing for you in Polis, will slow, if not stop, when she leaves and you can resolve any feuds with her absence. Meanwhile I have something to offer her, instead of my direct presence with the Azgeda as their permanent healer."

"What?" Reyna asked curiously and I turned to her cautiously.

"Your brother." She froze in her spot, a look of horror catching hold of her face and staying there as the thought ran through her head.

"Walker won't survive the Azgeda!" She almost shouted at me but I kept calm as I stared her down.

"You haven't seen him in over three years, Reyna. He has grown in his travels and acquired skills that impressed even Roan."

Lexa and Echo were both startled at the name that spilled from my lips.

"You have met Roan?" Lexa asked shock plain on her face.

"Yes." I nodded to her.

"How is he?" Echo asked softly and I couldn't help directing a smile in her direction.

"He's doing well. He misses you." I answered, gently reaching out and squeezing her arm reassuringly. She looked up gratefully.

"You are planning something." Lexa accused me and I tried hard not to laugh.

"He told me you'd say that. You must learn not to be so suspicious of your uncle, Lexa. He has always done what he has thought best for his family and his people."

Lexa eyed me skeptically and I sighed, turning back to Echo, who asked me faintly, "How is his wife?"

"Dead." I answered abruptly. She looked surprised before it quickly turned sorrowful.

"I'm sorry to hear that, she was a good woman to him and a great warrior."

"You have thought of everything, haven't you?" Reyna asked me with an awestruck expression on her face.

I repressed a smile. "We don't have a lot of time. I need to speak with Walker and Bellamy and then I need you to send one of your people to Nia and request her presence in TonDC."

"And when he does, he'll alert my lieutenants to work on dispelling any uprising that the Azgeda and the other clans might be planning while I'm gone." Lexa nodded.

"Are you sure of this?" Echo asked me and I nodded.

"There are a lot of other factors we have to consider, but I think this will be for the best." We all turned towards the door but I stopped Reyna with a hand to her shoulder.

"What is it?" She asked after one glance at my serious gaze.

"Lincoln is here with his new match." Her face hardened at that news. "I don't know your whole history with him, but he is happy with her. I don't want you creating trouble for them while you are here." She scoffed and turned away.

"I would never do anything to get in the way of Lincoln's happiness." She shrugged me off and stepped out of the room.

I watched as the three Grounder women head back outside before turning and finding Bellamy there with his arms crossed, looking down at me angrily.

"Good, you heard." His eyebrows shot up at that in question, but I shook my head at him. "I will tell you everything sooner or later, but for right now you don't need to know the details of what happened when I met up with Lexa in TonDC last month."

"So what do I need to know?" He asked me mockingly and I felt the boiling pressure of my anger since I'd woken this morning begin to spill over.

"You know what? No! You don't get to be angry with me right now! Not after what pulled last night!" I tried not to raise my voice at him but he didn't look surprised at my words.

"You want to talk about last night?" He said, shaking his head frustratedly at me.

I sucked in a breath trying to calm my racing heart before answering him. "No, actually, I don't. Let's forget about the fact that you drugged me for God knows what reason!" Bellamy opened his mouth to interrupt my but I plowed on. "Instead, let's focus on the fact that I made a deal with the Grounders and now I've been backed into a corner."

He stiffened, breathing heavily before his entire posture slowly began to relax. "What do you need from me?" I glanced up at him in surprise before schooling my expression into one of indifference.

"I made a promise to you I intend to keep." I said solemnly to him. "I'm not planning on leaving any time soon, but one clan of the Grounders, the Azgeda, has always been very hostile towards the other tribes and is now creating trouble for the Commander. This is the same clan,  that I offered my services as a healer if one of their fisa's students decides to train as a warrior instead. They have decided to take me up on that offer."

Bellamy said nothing as I looked him over but his hard eyes expressed everything I needed to know.

"I told you I wasn't going to leave you or the 47 willingly and I mean it, Bellamy." I told him softly and I could feel him standing next to me, just barely, relax his tense muscles. "There is a nomadic Grounder I know who is tired of traveling and wants to settle down with a clan. I know I can convince him to take my place with the Azgeda to train with their fisa and take this elder's place when his time is up. The Queen, Nia, won't be pleased with me backing out of our deal, but I know she respects me enough to consider this proposal and anything else I can think up."

Bellamy considered me for a long moment before nodding his head. "I'll come with you to speak with Walker and Queen Nia." I tensed at his words and stared at him but he didn't glance at me with anything but a challenge in his eyes.

"You've been watching me." I accused and he didn't say anything to deny it.

"You've had enough freedom, Clarke. It's time to stop punishing yourself. You need to accept who you are with all your flaws and move on."

I glowered at the floor as I realized what he meant and found myself unconsciously scratching my forearms before he reached forward and took my hands in his own.

"Clarke, look at me." I looked up slowly and met his dark worried gaze. "No matter how angry I am at you, I forgave you the day you left. You buried those we killed and have been hurting yourself as penance for what you've done since we got down here. I told you once that who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things. I need you to believe me this time."

I looked away, tugging to get out of his grip but he only tightened his grasp, shifting his grip so that he held my wrists, pulling me into him. "Bellamy, let go."

My eyes were stinging from unshed tears and I found that emotions that I'd locked away weeks before were fighting to let loose and claim my heart.

"No." He whispered huskily into my hairline and I tried to lift my arms away. He just held them tighter.

"Bellamy."

"Clarke, you are not a monster." I froze at his words. "You are an eighteen year old girl who lost her father because her mother made a terrible decision. You were locked up in solitary for knowing the truth, for wanting to do the right thing. You were sent to the ground with a hundred other hostile hormonal teenagers all with grudges against you because you're the daughter of a councilwoman. You tried to steer them in the right direction anyways by taking care of them, by leading them, by trying to keep them all alive. That's all you've ever tried to do, Clarke. You saw the best in a hundred delinquents and brought them together and kept them alive."

"I didn't save everyone." I whimpered and he sighed.

"You can't save the whole world, Clarke. The best you can do is learn from the decisions and mistakes you've made. We've been in a war since we landed on the ground and we both made decisions that neither of us are proud of, that cost lives. That's something we both have to live with. But that guilt that's been controlling you for the last few months, that weight on your shoulders, you don't drown yourself in it. You share it with those that care about you, that want you to keep living because they love you and want you to be happy."

"I don't deserve to be happy!" I cried, the tears finally spilling down my cheeks as the guilt he knew lied in my heart swelled at his words.

I felt his head drop and his chin rested on the top of my head. He sighed, freeing my right hand and swinging his other arm around to circle my waist, pulling me flush against him so that I could feel his every inhale and exhale as we stood there together. I focused on his breaths while I buried my damp face into his chest.

"You don't get to decide what you deserve, Clarke." I could feel every word leave his chest as he whispered softly over my head. "You make your own choices every day and you live with the consequences. That's life. We have to take advantage of the fact that we're alive and not fighting to survive and enjoy it for whatever brief time we have. Don't dwell on the past, Clarke, it'll consume you in ways that you can't even imagine and affect how you plan your future."

I stood there, wrapped up in him, feeling safe and warm for the first time in months, as I listened to him speak.

"I want you to stop hurting yourself, Clarke. I want you to let go of the guilt and the pain and try to focus on the fact that there are 47 of our people alive and healing, that trust us to rebuild our home for them. We're gonna go home to the Dropship, Princess, and we're gonna start over, together. Got it?"

My shuddering breaths evened out and I sniffled a few times before I finally nodded into his chest.

"Got it." I said simply and I felt Bellamy kiss my temple, his dry but soft lips lingering before pulling away.

He looked down at me, meeting my gaze and I could only stare at his beautiful chocolate-colored eyes.

"Come on, let's go clean up and then find your Grounder so we can make sure you don't have to go be the Azgeda's healer." Bellamy said, drawing away and tugging down his shirt.

"Okay." I quickly wiped my tears away and moved toward the entrance of the Ark. I felt Bellamy slip his hand into mine and I wove my fingers around his, smiling shyly up at him.

He beamed down at me, winking and I felt myself flush slightly. Despite the lingering feelings of guilt, his touch warmed my whole body and I knew that if I wasn't careful, he would break down my remaining walls easily.


	18. Cracks in Her Armor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy gets to meet Walker and we get a therapeutic talk between the two co-leaders of the 47.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soooooooooo sorry!
> 
> I've been massively blocked on how to proceed forward with my story but here is another chapter.
> 
> It's kind of filler but it also gets emotional between Bellamy and Clarke. Hope you guys like it.
> 
> Please comment and critique. I live off those. :D
> 
> Enjoy.

**Clarke**

 

It wasn't hard to gather Reyna and to get permission to go outside the walls, but we left together with Bellamy. I could feel Lexa's gaze burning into my back as we headed into the forest. We passed the initial camp that was being set up off to the left and walked further towards the river that emptied into the lake on the far right.

After ten minutes of silence, Reyna finally broke it. "So you are Clarke's second, Bellamy?"

He glanced at me and I shook my head at him discreetly. "She's my partner." He said confidently and I hid a small smile at the authoritative tone that crept into his voice.

"So you were there to help her eradicate the Maunon from their pit of Hell?" She asked almost accusingly and I stiffened at her words.

"Yes." He said simply and I looked at him sharply, but he didn't flinch, he never had at my hard gazes and I scowled at him.

"How-"

"Reyna, are you excited to see your brother?" I cut her off quickly, trying to point the conversation in a different direction.

Her sparkling green eyes narrowed at me but she answered all the same. "Yes, of course. I haven't seen him for nine seasons. I am anxious to see how he's changed and how much he's learned."

"I've learned much, strisis." His voice came out of the forest and he appeared in front of us suddenly.

Bellamy jumped in front of me, but I reached out and grabbed at his arm, turning him so that he saw me nod towards Reyna. We both stared at the twins in awe. It was like looking into a mirror. The only major differences was in height and gender. Where Walker was broad in muscle and skin Reyna was slim and about two inches shorter than he.

"I am only younger by four minutes, bro." Reyna retorted after a long moment of silence and then the siblings grinned at each other. They lunged forward and gripped each other tightly. I couldn't help but look longingly at the obvious affection and love between the two and the instant camaraderie that materialized instantly upon seeing one another even after two years apart.

"It is good to see you, Reyna."

"You too, Walker."

They pulled apart and I quickly stepped forward, gesturing Bellamy to follow. "Walker, this is Bellamy, my partner. Bellamy, this is Walker a nomad."

Bellamy offered his arm and Walker grasped his forearm in greeting. I could tell that each was trying to squeeze tighter and couldn't help but roll my eyes at their male posturing.

"Not to sound ungrateful to seeing my sister after nine seasons, but why did you bring her here?" Walker asked suspiciously.

"Because I wanted to see you." Reyna answered easily.

"And because we need your help." Bellamy said gruffly.

" _I_ need your help." I corrected him, shaking my head when he glanced over. I turned back to Walker. His face was solemn as he regarded me and sighed.

"They've come for you." I just stared back at him. "And you want me to take your place."

"I know that you have traveled far and have gathered as much knowledge as you could of this world and our history as well as our possible future. I know that you finally want to settle down but have not found a clan that you connect with, could live with and make a fresh start. I think the Azgeda can give that to you."

"They are a brutal people that do not have an affinity for wanting to preserve this Earth's history as I do." Walker said brusquely and I sighed at that.

"I know, but you could teach them to." He opened his mouth but I continued anyways. "You know my relationship with their Queen and you also know that she would be willing to allow you into her circle, at least to learn to be their fisa, and also to sit and listen and advise her. You could be just what this coalition needs for a true and lasting peace between the clans, Walker. You know you've always had a greater destiny than that of being a village chief on the coast."

Walker's bright green eyes sparked with a new fire and I couldn't help but sway back towards Bellamy.

"I thought you did not believe in destiny, Wanheda." Walker sneered at me, taking a step forward and I drew myself up, throwing my shoulders back and raising my chin to look at him head on.

"I believe in making your own path. That is what you can do now."

He stared at me long and hard for a few moments, no one willing to break this icy silence until finally . . .

"Alright. I'll do it. I will settle with the Azgeda and train with Kai, their fisa, to learn their ways and step up when guidance is needed in a crisis."

I nod to him and feel Bellamy let out a slow breath I knew he'd been holding.

"Good. The Commander sent a messenger out about an hour ago to draw the Azgeda Queen from TonDC and to meet us tomorrow so we can discuss a modification to our agreement."

"Where?"

"In front of the Mountain." Everyone froze at my words.

"What?" Reyna and Walker snapped at me.

"It's a power play." Bellamy deduced quietly and I nodded to him, giving him a small smile. "You know how much the Ice Queen values you and placing her where you took down her biggest enemy will place her in a weaker position when you negotiate with her. She'll have physical proof just how powerful you really are and that it's a privilege to even have you on her side. She'll be more inclined to give in to whatever you request of her."

"Exactly," I could feel my smile growing over my face and he grinned down at me.

"Do you want to come back with us, Walker?" Bellamy turned back to him and the Grounder looked at him in surprise. I couldn't help the little jolt of shock that ran through me at Bellamy's question.

"Come back where?"

"To our camp? I know Reyna's convoy is settling down within the tree line but you could come back and eat with us, relax a bit before we leave tomorrow." He offered.

Walker hesitated before shaking his head. "To be honest, I'd like to take advantage of my isolation as much as possible before I rejoin our society. But thank you for the offer, Belomi."

"Alright, I'll come grab you early tomorrow morning before our meeting with the Ice Queen." Bellamy told him and Walker nodded. Reyna stepped forward with a questioning look in her gaze and Walker smiled at her.

"I will come back later tonight before you speak with the Commander and Echo about the trade agreements. I'm going to spend some time catching up with my brother." She told us and I gave her a small smile.

"Sounds good, just make sure you're back before sundown. The Guard will be more alert and paranoid if you come back after dark." I warned her and she nodded in agreement.

Bellamy and I both took our leave, turning and leaving the siblings to themselves as we headed back towards Camp.

"You sure they won't go running off together?" Bellamy muttered to me and I glanced over at him.

"Yes, I know them. Reyna and Walker are both cut from the same cloth. They both grew up in a seaside village wanting to travel and see the world. Reyna might have stayed closer to home but Walker has probably walked across the entire country and back twice. He's ready to settle down and I know that doing that with the Azgeda will still be a challenge for him. To learn their ways, their traditions, see if he can leave some of his own influence on them. He's perfect for this opportunity."

Bellamy's eyes met my own and I could feel him analyzing my words and I tried not to back down from his piercing gaze.

"You sound like you know him pretty well." I tried to keep my face neutral at his accusing tone and swallowed hard.

"Well enough." I said shortly.

"Enough to know his background, what he wants from his life and what his next step is. There was a time when I used to think I could say the same things about you." He said bitterly to me and I closed my eyes at the lingering sadness in his voice.

I can't help the sigh that leaves my mouth and stop in my tracks turning to him. He comes up short when he realizes that I'm standing in front of him.

"If you have something to say, you should do it now instead of at Camp. So come on, let's hear it." I say curtly to him, crossing my arms. He narrows his eyes at me, mirroring my stance before taking a breath.

"What makes you think that-"

"Don't play me for a fool Bellamy, you know me better than that. You're the only one who does anymore."

"You want to hear what I have to say? Fine!  _We_ are supposed to be  _partners_. We fight and bicker and compromise and lead our people _together_! We might not have known each other before coming down here, but it was _you and me_. And as soon as we separated, everything went to shit! I don't blame you for anything, but when you came back from the mountain, we were supposed to be making decisions together! Instead you step up to Lexa as our sole leader and barely looked to me for anything but rare advice. And the one time I do have a suggestion, you throw someone else's words at me and tell me to get lost!"

I stood there trying not to flinch at his words, knowing he has to get this out. It still didn't take the sting out of his words.

"I understand, okay? You and I, we've always understood each other. So I know. I know that Lexa was filling your head with promises. And with what you knew of Mount Weather, you were desperate to act quickly, but we ended up on the wrong side of her betrayal. And with Cage's refusal,  _we_ made a decision to commit genocide. There were three people in that control room who all made a single decision.  _Together_. That makes me and Monty, Wanheda as well. We have as much a right to that name as you do. But you walked away from us. You walked away from me . . . all so you could _bear it alone_. You took Dante's words and twisted them for your own selfish reasons."

I couldn't help but actually wincing at that. I swallowed hard, trying to keep my eyes on his, but his gaze was penetrating past all my defenses, all my walls. I could feel my mask melting away in front of him.

"I'm sorry." I couldn't help whispering. "I'll never stop being sorry for leaving. But I knew I could, because they had you, and you had them."

He sighed, then stepped forward, reaching out to me and I stayed perfectly still as he wiped at a tear I hadn't realized had fallen. He cradled my face in his hands and I couldn't help closing my own eyes, savoring his gentle touch.

"Clarke, look at me." His warm breath wafted over my face, sparking electricity that ran through my body at his gruff voice and I responded immediately, obeying his simple request.

His dark eyes had deepened in care and concern and my breath hitched at the emotion that I could see there.

"I trust you with my life, and I know you trust me with yours. But from now on, _we_ make the rules. You and me, together. Got it?"

I reached up grabbing his wrists and pulling them from my face so I could nod at him. He flipped his hand over and caught my fingers, pulling me forward a bit more so he could reach for my arm.

It took me a moment too long before I realized that he was pushing my sleeve up to reveal my self-inflicted scars. I was frozen as he traced his calloused fingers over the raised pink lines, not saying anything.

"Did they help?" His words came as soft as his touch.

"I wanted to feel their pain. I wanted to be reminded of what I caused them. Blood for blood." My words were hoarse from the thickness in my voice.

His index finger twitched at my last three words but he didn't stop tracing my scars. We stood there transfixed in the silent moment. No movement except for his fingers outlining the bumps.

"No more." He told me in a whisper and I looked up at him. "No more cutting, no more scarring yourself, no more pain. You understand me? We're in this together. If it ever gets to be too much for you, or if there's too much pressure, you come to me. You don't take a knife to your wrist, you come to  _me_. I know we both have our own demons we still have to work through, but that's what I'm here for and I know you're here for me. We lean on each other for help and to make decisions." 

He looked so intense, his face screwed up in a mixture of frustration and sorrow that I reached up, without even thinking of what I was doing, and moved my thumb over the crease in his forehead, smoothing it out. His entire body seemed to sag at my touch, and he reached up catching my hand in his and pulling it between us.

I stared at him for a long moment before nodding in agreement. "I promise."

He let out a breath of relief and scooped me up in his arms. I closed my eyes and let my fingers linger in his curls as I breathed in his earthy scent. Home. He felt like home.

 


End file.
